Authors Support Harriet Klausner (Sort Of...)

Harriet Klausner has become quite the popular topic in the blogosphere since the New York Times article last month.  I recently came across blog posts from two authors whom Harriet has "reviewed," and I thought I'd pass them along (with comments, of course).

From Tara Taylor Quinn

My favorite part is the following: "The review was…well, it made me feel really good as I’m staring down a daunting deadline."

I like how she doesn't actually say what she thought of the review.  Which contained factual inaccuracies, by the way, that I could figure out from reading the book jacket.  Harriet was really phoning it in on that one.

Then, however, those of us who comment on reviews over at Amazon.com got singled out for being mean.

Here is another quote from the linked-to piece by Ms. Quinn:

And then I noticed nine comments to the review.  Not review of the book, but comments on the review.  They were horrible.  Not directed at me but at Harriet.  They called her a machine.  They were mean to the point of vicious.  They claimed that she didn’t read the books she reviews.  And I have no idea where this wrath is coming from!  Is Harriet still around and reading a book or more a day as she used to do and people just don’t get it?  Or has someone made some software that puts drones out to latch onto book titles and post some generic review to it under Harriet’s name?

Regardless, why would people need to go on my book page and comment on a review?  What does it matter to them what anyone says about my book?

First of all, these comments were pretty tame, by our standards.  Second, they were taken out of context.  Anyone who actually follows the comments on Harriet's reviews will recognize the banter that goes on among our little community of Harriet fans (and I use that term only in the Amazon sense of people who can't vote on her "reviews" anymore).

And yeah, Harriet doesn't read the books she reviews.  It's not possible to read an average of 7 books a day for 11 years straight, let alone comprehend all of these books and paste a mangled book description on Amazon.  Where's the time for cooking and cleaning, for interacting with family, for sleeping, for grocery shopping, for listing the unread books on half.com, for trips to the post office to mail off the unread books to half.com customers, for showering and other personal grooming, etc.?

As for why it matters to people what anyone says about a book?  That's what a review is FOR.  It's there so people can make decisions about what to purchase.  A review might be the deciding factor, especially when one is considering an author one hasn't read before.  And if the review is bogus, people ought to be forewarned.

As for being called "wrathful," well, we've been accused of having rage before.  (Check out the hidden comment on the second page.)  Couldn't be further from the truth.  We're actually a well-adjusted bunch of people who have hobbies, jobs, and lives.  We just happen to think that honesty is a virtue worth preserving.  And sure, we vent our frustration with humor sometimes, but that's healthier than some of the alternatives.

Here's one from Rachel Neumeier

A quote:

Well, her reviews make it perfectly clear that she really did read the Griffin trilogy, and since I know *I* didn’t pay her for those reviews, my guess is, she REALLY DOES read roughly a zillion books a day. I’m glad I don’t read that fast, as how could you linger over a book long enough to actually enjoy it if you read half a dozen per day?

Rachel, no one is accusing you of paying HK for the reviews.  We are accusing your publisher of sending her advance review copies (which she did not disclose, as required by FTC guidelines).  I refer you to the numbers in the earlier section of this post.  She does not read seven books a day.  I doubt she reads one book a day.

I checked out the Klausner "review" of one of your books.  A book which I have read, by the way.  The "review" contains nothing but plot summary which could have been obtained from anywhere -- the Publishers Weekly review (if there was one), the book description on Amazon, the book jacket, or publicity materials from your publisher -- and a few generic comments about worldbuilding and the villain that really could have been applied to any other book Harriet has "reviewed" in her tenure at Amazon.  Ah, once we were all so naïve as this author.

At least Ms. Neumeier realizes that there is no joy in sitting there, flipping pages and "speed reading."  (Claims of which I simply don't believe.  I saw a demo on television once.  The guy couldn't go any more into depth than the information contained in the back cover blurb of the book he supposedly read.  He was unable to answer any specific questions about the content.  Because you can't absorb the content by only flipping pages.)

The Anti-Literature Killer! - Review by Harriet Klausner

The Anti-Literature Killer!

Offered by Sara Digital Sales, Inc.

Price: TBD

0 of 324 people found the following review helpful

***** super serial killer thriller, January 26, 2013

This review is from: The Anti-Literature Killer! (HKAS Edition)

A murderer in rural Georgia appears to be targeting book lovers.   The crimes are extraordinarily brutal and the media has nicknamed the murderer the Anti-Literature Killer.  When another killing takes place in a local bookstore the FBI’s Behavioral and Analysis Unit sends in its top profiler to investigate the case.  The victim, a tourist from Arizona, was bludgeoned in the head with an obviously unread book; the title of which has no relevance to the plot at all.

Profiler Malleus spends his time flashing his badge and donning the ubiquitous gloves he appears to have a fetish for wearing.   The local female gendarme admires his style and wonders what other, more intimate, articles of clothing might be of interest to his lower head.   L.Donner, the coroner, exams the body and states the obvious.   Along with a blow to the head, the upper head he notes as the victim is a female, the eyes have been gouged out.       

The author’s first book is a taut, terrifying thriller.  The multilevel, morbid mystery features a glove wearing protagonist who keeps his hands to himself enabling him to deal with a large cast of women who are either victims, witnesses, perpetually disheveled or living with cats. The storyline grips the reader from the moment the latest murder victim is found dead.  As the search for a madwoman obsessed with relish heats up the secondary characters, particularly a hot doc whose moniker is Gorilla, will delight sub gene fans attracted to oddly named characters and five star reviews.  

Harriet Klausner

The Anti-Literature Killer!

2013 – Georgia. A rash of murders rocked Atlanta City. A serial killer targeted readers. Readers had to resort to reading inside their closet out of fear of getting their eyes gouged by the unknown murderer! The media dubbed the murderer as the Anti-Literature Killer! The killer left a newly released hardback book at the crime scenes.  FBI’s Behavioral and Analysis Unit sent its top profiler in order to investigate the case. His name was Malleus. Upon his arrival, another murder took place inside a local bookstore. He hailed a cab and made a beeline for the crime scene. Malleus flashed his badge to the uniform manning the scene and donned his gloves. The stench of death enveloped him. “I hope we catch this SOB,” he thought grimly.

Who’s the victim?” Malleus asked the detective at the scene.

“The vic’s a tourist from Arizona. Her name was Embee,” Beachmama said. The body was found a couple of hours ago by the proprietors. Their names are Dona And Strong Cofee Lover. The poor women are in shock.”

Malleus nodded and walked over to L.Donner, the coroner, who was busy examining the body

“So what’s the cause of death?”  

“The cause of death appears to be a head trauma. Looks like our perpetrator whacked her over the head with this hardback book.”  

Who would do such a thing?” Beachmama cried.

A sick, twisted psycho,” Malleus replied grimly. The sickos are rampant. I’ve seen many unusual crimes during my years with the Bureau, but man, I’ve never seen anything quite like this!”

“So what about the eyes?”  Malleus asked L.Donner

 “it was post-mortem. Just like the other victims.”

Malleus glanced to his right. On the wall, were the words, “stop reding” scrawled in blood.  “Looks like our perp was never in a Spelling Bee competition.”

“Man, who doesn’t know how to spell reading? My cat is a better speller.” Beachmama said.

My guess is that our perp has a deep-seated inferiority complex about reading and comprehension. It looks like he – or she, received poor education.”

Beachmama’s cell phone chirped. She glanced at the LED screen and it was Alan James.

“There’s a witness who says that she’s escaped the perp’s clutches. Somehow she made it to a store. The clerk, whose name is Buck210 said that he was just closing up, when he saw a disheveled woman running up to him. She told him that she needed a phone to call the cops. Right after that, she lost consciousness. She’s at Charlton Memorial Hospital.”

“I’m on my way,” Beachmama replied.

At the hospital, Beachmama and Malleus ran to the ICU. They flashed their badges to the hospital staff. Malleus walked to the doctor, Guy the Gorilla, and asked, “Is she stable?”

“Yes, but she’s lost an awful amount of blood. Whoever’s done this to her had pumped her body with relish.”

“When can we speak to her?” Beachmama asked.

“You may speak to her now, but only for a few minutes.”

Malleus and Beachmama gently walked up to the foot of the bed, where Sneaky was resting.

“Hello, this is agent Beachmama and I’m agent Malleus. I know this is hard, but we would like to ask you a few questions, if you’re up for it.”

“Yes, it’s OK. I want you to catch this madwoman as soon as possible.”

“Did you say a woman?” Beachmama asked.

“Yes. She was absolutely crazy! She tied to me a chair and began ranting incoherently about relish, readers, still fans, tsuris, over the Mount of … I don’t recall exactly. I began to tune her out after that.”

“What about relish?”

“She kept feeding me relish. When I refused, she pumped that stuff in me!” Sneaky cried.

“What else do you remember?”

"I was in a dank basement. There were these elves that were busy at work. This madwoman was barking orders at them to finish plagiarizing the reviews from Publishers weekly. I heard snippets of “Amazon” and “reviews.” '

“How did she kidnap you?” Malleus asked.

“I was at the park walking my three month old puppy. I sat on a bench and began checking out the books at Amazon.com. Then all of a sudden, this woman with wild hair and red-rimmed eyes  appeared out of nowhere and began screaming at me to log out. She reeked of relish.”

“Then…” Beachmama prompted

“Then when I ignored her, she fished a book from her bag. It looked like the latest release by a well-known author. It was in hardback. And she whacked me over the head.” Sneaky gingerly touched the bruise atop her head. “Then I came to in the basement.”

Malleus’s eyebrows shot up. He glanced at Beachmama questioningly. He steered her away from Sneaky and said, “For a person who can’t spell and is clearly illiterate, she sure carries a lot of new releases.”

“That’s for sure,"Beachmama muttered.

They went back to Sneaky.

“How did you escape?”

This madwoman seemed to be very preoccupied with getting the reviews into Amazon’s system. So then I took the opportunity to climb out through the window.”

“Thank you for answering our questions, Sneaky. You have been helpful. If we have any further questions, we will be in touch.” Malleus said.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Beachmama grabbed Malleus by the shoulders.
“I think I know who the manwoman is!” Beachmama said excitedly

“Who?”

There’s only one woman who fits that description and it’s Harriet Klausner. The so-called #1 Hall of Fame Reviewer. I’ve always known she was a fraud, but a killer! Wow.”  Beachmama let out a low whistle.

“OK. From my experience with women is that they’re highly intuitive, so I’ll go with your theory. Let’s call for backup.”

 

Epilogue:

In the days that followed Harriet Klausner’s arrest, the media outlets all across the USA spiraled into a frenzy. The press ran the headline; “The Anti-Literature Killer is Amazon’s #1 Hall of Fame reviewer!”  Meanwhile, Amazon refused to comment on Harriet Klausner and her 28,000+ fake reviews. Amazon’s reticence fueled the speculation among the fine citizens of Georgia, and the entire United States of America. Sneaky Burrito was recovering from her ordeal and can even read a book without suffering a panic attack. In an interview she said, “I am glad this whole nightmare is behind us and readers can enjoy reading without looking behind their shoulders.”

 

The End.

 

 

Here ya' go Sara...hope this works!

SALAD DAZE (BASED ON A TRUE STORY)

It was a dark and stormy night. Inside a cozy (albeit cluttered) little ranch house in Morrow Georgia lived Mr. and Mrs Klausner.  Harriet Klausner was a little bored so she decided to spice things up a bit.  Donning her skin-tight hot pink sweat pants and matching sweatshirt (which had "I love a good salad" on the front spelled out with cucumber and asparagus letters) she sashayed up to her hubby Stan.  "Hey baby," she purred, " wanna play 'vegetable garden'?

You can be the rake and I'll be the hoe.  I'll even call you 'Mikey' if you like!". 

Stan, sitting in his purple velour La-Z-Boy,  took a swig of his Coors Light and said, "ah shuddup and go review a book."  Crushed but undaunted, Harriet suggested they rent some porn.  After another long drink of beer Stanley/Mikey reminded her of what happened the LAST time she went to Red Box for a porn flick.  "It turned out to be some boring '80's movie with a bunch of British guys running in slow motion." Harriet, pouting, said ,"well anyone could have made the same mistake.  I thought it was called 'CHERRIES of Fire.'".   

Stan reclined the La-Z-Boy and turned up the t.v. volume.   After all,  pink sweats (even skin-tight ones), porn  and veggies really couldn't compete with monster trucks and combine demolition derby.  

So in the end Stan opened another can of Coors and Harriet consoled herself with seven or eight Harlequin romance novels.  

The End.

A Game of 'Scrambled.'

On a Tuesday evening, after Harriet Klausner dumped her regular cargo-load of drivel, AKA reviews into Amazon's system; she hunkered down to a game of Scrabble with her morose hubby Stan, her celibate lover Mikey, and an Amazon monkey.

"Harriet, will you please pass me your rack," Mikey drawled.

Harriet jumped and straddled Mikey. She wrapped her hairy legs tightly around his torso. She pressed her sagging rack to his face. "I will whip out the relish so you can pour it all over these fine babies" she whispered. She gyrated against his flaccid banana.

"Oooh, baby," Harriet rasped, "Your mighty sword is over the top of the phallic statues in Penis Park!"

"Mikey meant the tile rack, Hattie, and not your melons." Stan corrected.

"Oh, very well," Harriet muttered. After straightening her crinkled,  relish-stained clothes that have never once seen an iron or a washing machine, Harriet plopped back into her chair.

"If you bother to wash your stringy, greasy hair or wear deodorant, then our lower heads wouldn't have been given a Viagra prescription." Mikey said.

"I am so sex-starved, I get turned on just by looking at a piece of pie," Stanley moaned.

“I’ll be more than happy to beat your meat for ya,” Harriet the Harlot crooned. “Or better yet, you can dip your meat into my gravy. My warm gravy will keep your tender meat nice and warm.”

“Uhh, no thanks,” Stan stuttered.

"Well, you both gave up sex in exchange for the money that I make from my fake reviews, so will ya both put a sock in it," Harriet snapped.

"I really must edit my contract with these jerks because my cherry itches to be popped by a rock hard carrot," Harriet muttered under her breath. "I can't believe I'm a sixty years old virgin!"

After they have set up the board and arranged the tiles on the racks, Ammy's monkey decided to appoint Harriet as the scorekeeper.

"Her mathematical skills are excellent", the monkey said. "In eleven years, she read over 28,000 books!"

"Yes," Mikey agreed. "I really wish Harriet would credit me on her Amazon profile. After all, I'm the one who taught her that 3+3=12."

"Oh, quit your whining! I taught myself advanced math skills when I was three years old!" Harriet growled.

They began the game. Harriet got a triple word score for the word FRAUD. Mikey got a double word score for the words BLUE BALLS. Stan got a triple letter score for the words, WHY ME, and the monkey got a double letter score for the word TROLL.

After a while, Harriet yelled, "I won!"

"WTF! We've just started!" Stan replied.

Harriet pointedly ignored him.

"The arrangement of the tiles on the board forms the shape of a sword. A thick, beautiful sword..." Harriet let out a wistful sigh.

"And since I pointed it out, that makes me the winner!"

"You can't make up the rules," Mikey protested.

"Oh, yes, I can! I make up the rules as I please. For the passed eleven years, I've been cheating Amazon's system, with their blessings of course, and Scrambled is no different."

The End.

Harriet's Grocery List

This is for all the people out there who have made New Year's resolutions to lose weight and are starting to doubt if they'll be able to stick with them.  (By which I mean that you'll never want to eat again after reading this...)

• Bananas and cherries: "Though he believes that Skye is after his banana, he rejects her because he plans to marry someone else. However, as Skye and Clint become more familiar with one another both reconsider their previous positions and now they want his banana and her cherry married, but must persuade the other that their respective fruit is passion."
• Bananas (again): "The fun storyline is an overused theme yet Christie Craig provides a fast-paced tale starring two protagonists battling over banana sandwiches while falling in love."  (If you don't get this one, look up "banana sandwich" on Urban Dictionary.  Or don't.  You've been warned.)
• Chocolate, honey, and cherries: "Readers will appreciate this XXX amusing chase in which the heroine dangles her chocolate coated cherry at a hero who salivates for a dip in the honey pot, but tries to avoid his and her desires."
• Cherries (again): "He took her cherry, but dumped her with no explanation."
• Cherries (yet again): " She would loathe her sex life, but that has been non-existent for fifteen years since she lost her cherry in the back of Barry's pick-up truck."
• Honey (again): "The women with his one dip into their honey pot are deemed ready for marriage, but he must remain alone and aloof."
• Melons: "In Vancouver Sophie Kintock can not believe that her boyfriend of six years, anal Doug Chase, dumped her for a tall blond bimbo Melanie the melons." 
• Honey, vinegar, cucumbers, and hot peppers:"She decides to try honey instead of vinegar; red hot pepper instead of cold cucumber."
• Nuts: "However, the opportunity eventually arrives when her former commander General Barnes needs her help at the Santa Fe Film Festival to protect spoiled film star Marisa Connors, who Cleo knows as a pit-bull with nuts caught in an animal trap; Alex heads the gala which includes a North Korean communications expert that the military wants on their side." 
• Sausage: "In Skagway, she made friends with Keenan Crawford the butcher, but fled when her groom tried to rape her; she muses he can stuff his sausage elsewhere."
• Meat: "In England Paul Mackrell wants to be considered a serious writer, but his addiction to cyber sex induced serial masturbation leaves no blood for his other head to write with; in other words even when he is not beating the meat he suffers from writer's block."
• Buns and pumpkin pie: "Each contains reasonably solid lead characters like Carol Curley Locks wanting a commitment from her hot boyfriend who hides his heated darkness from her, Peter giving new meaning to eating pumpkin pie, Georgie wanting more than just stealing kisses and Marcie understanding the true meaning of hot buns, etc."
• Asparagus: "This compilation is fun, well written while readers gain insight into the "oddments from the mind" of a writer who makes his personal look at life a lot more interesting than canned asparagus (think what those shoots look like) or is it spinach?"
• Carrots, chocolate, and strawberries: "Adding to her chagrin every step forward is two giant steps backward as he seems to regress with the only carrot to modify his behavior is sharing his bed; the only thing in her mind (and body) better than chocolate strawberries."
• Pretzels: "The first Soulfire jocular urban fantasy is an over top satire that hilariously lampoons the sub-genre (including Stephanie Rowe's own comedic Goblet of Eternal Youth tales - you will never look at a pretzel the same way) with amazing cross-breeding species, killing star-crossed lovers and trained killer warriors relaxing with knitting."

I have no doubt there are more, by my mind is nowhere near as dirty as Harriet's.  Maybe we'd all be better off subsisting on a diet of RELISH.

Something Wicca This Way Comes

Once upon a time, a malevolent witch named Harriet Klausner lived with her husband Stan and their only child. Harriet was a retired librarian – at least that’s what she told everyone.  In actuality, she was laid off from her job because she didn’t know how to use the Dewey Decimal System. She couldn’t afford to buy a broom that goes with her pointy hat and black cauldron.

“What’s the quickest way to make tons of money?” Harriet mused out loud while pacing down her block.

“What’s the quickest way to make tons of money?” mimicked a neighborhood boy.

“Shut your trap you little weasel! I am trying to think here!” Harriet snarled. Harriet loved little boys and girls as much as she loved Hansel and Gretel. Then it hit her! Copying is easy and doable! Plagiarizing is her ticket!

She hurried home and booted up her ancient PC. She contacted Amazon.com and various publishers and made a proposal they couldn’t refuse. “I can triple your sales.”

So Harriet began plagiarizing by the truck load. She couldn’t afford to take trips to the bathroom, so she used a bed pan in order to make her fraudulent career at Amazonland more efficient. 

The paycheck was lovely and she was able to afford to buy potions and worms and, puppy dogs’ tails. She was also able to buy hair dye in order to dye her white-haired cat black. Soon, she began to plagiarize books from different publishing houses and every person world-wide knew of her wicked ways.

Customers and authors of every state gathered together and complained about the evil witch until Amazon was forced to listen.

Amazon was sorry to let the wicked witch go – she was their favorite “customer.”

Authors and customers reveled in the success of banishing the evil witch from Amazonland. 

Meanwhile, the witch was forced to pawn her pointy hat and broom, while wondering if she should fake review utensils on her next evil project.