Poetry Dedicated to Amazon's # 1 Fraud!

I decided to post my limericks here so Harriet's loyal 'fans' can enjoy reading 'em. Perhaps Hattie would get a kick outta 'em, too. Alas, the witch cannot read which is such a shame. 
Enjoy!

There once was a witch whose moral compass was broken

She gave up her soul to the devil as a token

She made an unholy pact

Everyone knows it's a fact

Every night she would sail on her broom

And fake review to everyone's doom.

Hattie was a witch with a heart of ice

And head lice

She loved plagiarizing to the hilt

While feeding her minions spoiled milk

 She supervised her hard-working slaves while brandishing her latest unread tome

While she serviced Mikey’s hotdog with a raspy moan

Hattie enjoyed slicing

Because it was so damn enticing

She fantasized about customers’ outrage

As she scooped a spoonful of relish and smeared it on the book’s front page

The smell of relish mixed with fresh ink made her think of Stanley’s meat

This made her squirm in her seat

Klausnerfication was her aphrodisiac

Which caused her to become a raging nymphomaniac.

There once was a horrible hack that lived in AmazonLand

She hovered over her minions with a whip in her hand.

She bullied them like a school bully

And enjoyed it fully

She handcuffed them to her ancient PC

And enjoyed seeing them sweat without any AC

“We must distribute this boat-load of fakes before sunrise,” she bellowed

“So I could sit back and enjoy receiving my paychecks by the arm-load.”

There once was an infamous fraud who couldn’t spell

Even her name was misspelled on her lapel

She didn’t abide by any rules in AmazonVille

And didn’t want to follow the rules of grammar because it makes her so ill!

It’s no secret that her Masters Degree in Library Science was a fake

And so the hack tossed it in a nearby lake.  (I Wish!)

Once upon a time, Harriet had a shrink

Every time he saw her, he had a drink.

She brought jars of relish to her session

He couldn’t understand her relish obsession

He scratched his head in bewilderment

And contemplated early retirement.

Harriet Klausner is a dirty little liar

Who enjoys singing in the devil’s choir

Her laugh resembles a strangled cock

I’m talking about roosters and not things that make her fast-paced moans heard all the way to Bangkok

Her specialty is Klausnerficaton

Which is a fancy word for falsification

Rumor has it that the smell of relish will attract her to your front porch

So prepare to set her ablaze with your blowtorch

Legend has it that Harriet is a descendant of Dracula

From Czechoslovakia

 you can’t vanquish her with garlic or stake

Amazon designed her this way – and that’s their mistake

She doesn’t sparkle in the sunlight

And could enter your home without an invite

Customer beware of this creature

Klausnerfication is her distinctive feature

Please make sure to press the Report Abuse button

Or else the English language in its entirety will be forgotten

Nightmare on Amazon street

Is the number one Tweet

Readers get nightmares

Beyond compare

A villainous charlatan terrorizes the townsfolk

While enjoying seeing their careers go up in smoke

Amazon is now a ghost  town

Haunted by the #1 Klown

There once was an odious witch who admired Ted Bundy's handiwork

Since she was squeamish about blood, she decided to fake review like clockwork

She chose her victims randomly

And klausnered abominably

Since she showed no mercy

It incited a controversy

Fear spread throughout the reading community

Since the witch has Amazon's immunity

Amazon's Cherished Fake Reviewer

Was notorious for being a wrong-doer

She robbed authors' livelihood

While spreading falsehoods.

Amazon ignored authors' complaints

And added a couple of restraints

Harriet crapped a pile of manure

And with her unearned money she was able to buy Dior

There once was an old hack who couldn't read

Ethics and basic grammar structure weren't part of her creed.

So she dumps her relishes

Until the English language perishes

All the characters were hot blooded

While Hattie's lower-head nodded

Over the top of Mount Hood

Is where she stood

"I am the queen of Fraud" she breathed

While the Anti-HK-Fraud society heaved

Once upon a time

Harriet lived on a dime

But then she saw a way out

Thanks to her minion's snout

She decided to work as a shill

And flog her minions to submission up on a hill

She gave all her fake reviews 5 stars

Even though her head is so far up her arse

Once upon a time, Amazon protected a shill

All of her fake reviews were run-of-the-mill

Her readers were eerily still

While downing an anti-tsuris pill

Mad Hattie spread terror

Through her many fake reviewing errors

Her fake reviews generated revenues

While cruising down Amazon's fraudulent avenue

Harriet loves a celery stalk,

Its name flows with her sex talk.

The sight of its stem,

Makes her wanna rub Mikey’s meat with her phlegm.

Who needs a d**do when you’ve got veggies growing in your garden?

Harriet guarantees that a salad will make your man’s carrot swollen

Once upon a time, I got on Amazon’s shit list

When I dared to say that Harriet Klausner doesn’t exist!

She is the name of a sweatshop in a third world country

With her own little army

Her fake reviews are a pain in the behind

And she is the worst reviewer ever known to mankind.

Even though I’ve been a customer for 10 years,

My customer loyalty doesn’t mean squat, or so it appears.

Harriet Fraud Klausner is their pride and glory

So don’t be surprised when they dismiss you like yesterday’s leftovers without so much as saying sorry

One day, when Hattie was semi-sober

She heard from her busybody neighbor

 That chicken soup was the best flu remedy

and nothing could top that recipe.

Hattie popped a vein from sheer rage

And attacked her neighbor and the incident made its way to the front page

“Relish soup is the best remedy,” Harriet cried

“I never believed in lobotomy until I saw you,” her cellmate replied.

 

The witch’s birthday was around the corner

So Stanley decided to place a book order

He decided to buy a Chicken Soup for the Soul

Then realized it was as pointless as giving a vegan a plate of beef casserole

Harriet Klausner was the devil’s spawn

Who terrorized the customers of Amazon

Stanley wondered if there’s a Relish Soup for the Soulless

And the brainless.

Harriet had probably already submitted a 'review,'

Which consisted of regurgitating the book overview

Harriet got turned on by a banana

And wanted her screams to be heard over a mountain in Montana.

She strutted to Mikey

While wearing a relish-stained nightie

"Baby, did you fart relish, because I can't get enough of the aroma."

"Aah, baby, the sight of you made my sausage slip into a coma."

Harriet is a delusional broad

She could type 400 words per minute

Is it any wonder her “reviews” are as helpful as a leaky faucet

Her supersonic speed

Is the result of weed

Her addled state of mind serves as a warning

Of smoking illicit crap till morning

Once upon a time, Harriet wanted to open a diner

After seeing how much cash a celeb made in the National Enquirer

She headed to a local diner at the stroke of midnight

And gave the passersby a terrible fright

She picked the lock

And bashed the waiter’s head with the butt of her concealed Glock

Eleven years of receiving and carrying 28,000+ non-read books have given her biceps such a workout

Publishes are the biggest fools on earth; that is without a doubt!

 Harriet skimmed and copied the menu

And pasted it all even though she doesn’t speak a word of Hindu

Harriet was at the produce aisle

Rambling like a senile

She picked up a carrot,

and began to caress it like a harlot

“Food Abuse!” The shoppers cried.

“I’ll never look at a carrot the same way again,” Embee sighed.

Once I had a terrible itch

Caused by Amazon’s #1 Witch

Her “reviews” were laden with relish

And I’m allergic to relish and anything embellished

The terrible itch lasted throughout the night

 while the Witch prepared another batch of crap to pollute this website.

There once was a notorious fraud

Who was a complete tightwad

She refused to hire someone to proof read her junk

Even though, proof read or not, it still stank like a skunk

She polluted the Amazon.com with her s**t

But it’s all part of her work, aka fraudulent permit

When will Amazon wake up and smell the coffee

And get rid of Harriet Klausner and her mindless posse?

Legend has it that Harriet is a descendant of Dracula

From Czechoslovakia

you can't vanquish her with garlic or stake

Amazon designed her this way - and that's their mistake

She doesn't sparkle in the sunlight

And could enter your home without an invite

Customer beware of this sinister creature

Klausnerfication is her distinctive feature

Please make sure to press the Report Abuse button

Or else the English language in its entirety will be forgotten

Once upon a time, Batman took a leave of absence from his civic duties at Gotham City

And swung by Amazon.com where the crime was so damn gritty

He spotted the Klownser Princess of Crime spitting out 'reviews'

And crinkled his nose at the smell of relish stew

He removed the books' dust jacket

And shipped her off on a rocket

Who knew the Joker had an evil princess

Who was clearly the product of incest.

The wicked witch of the west

Flew over the cuckoo’s nest

She was strapped to her bed

By nurse Ratched

“I am the speediest reader on earth!” Harriet cried

‘Yes, you are,” her doctor lied

She spent the rest of her years 'reviewing' her strait jacket

And she was no longer able to make a profit. 

Hattie Klausner types up fake reviews while smoking hash

So naturally a customer votes it as trash

She speed dials Amazonland

And demands they remove the negative votes and meet her demand

Amazon complies and labels the customer as her 'fan voter'

Amazon might as well plunge a knife into the fan’s aorta

Hattie’s favorite day of the week is Tuesday

She gets to cash her unearned paychecks by midday

She sells her non-read books on her favorite site

 The sight of money is her day’s highlight

True, the Queen of Lewd loves a bulging lower-head

But she prefers having money on her bedspread instead

Buyer beware

Of Amazon’s software

It has a name

And can maim

Its fake reviews multiply at the speed of light

And Amazon’s security is pretty airtight

When you see its reviews, please vote no

So you can protect yourself from this gizmo

Harriet Klausner never had a bath

Because she’s a raving sociopath

Her hair is so greasy

It makes me feel so queasy

She constantly wets herself

Because she barks orders at her elf

She doesn’t need a costume for Halloween

Her facial hair makes her look like Wolverine

Wonder woman is depressed

because she found out the results of Hattie’s blood test.

Hattie surpasses Wonder Woman’s speed,

She’s a threat to the world; that’s guaranteed!

Wonder Woman must use the Golden Lasso

And force the truth from Harriet and her bozo.

Will Wonder Woman be able to force this villainous creature to confess?

So she could ship her confession to the Supreme Court via Federal Express!

The Charmed Sisters are facing an evil force

Amazon.com is its power source

Harriet is a witch turned bad

And she is raving mad

She is immune to spells and the power of three

And screams like a Banshee

Should they team up with the demon Balthazor

Because the Harriet situation is something they can’t ignore

Harriet the Fraud is facing bad publicity

Due to her outrageous duplicity

The fraud’s hubby says, “You see the pages turning,”

But we all know that her nimble fingers are part of her monthly earning.

When will Amazon kick her to the curb

Along with her 28,000+ turd?

From the day Hattie was born,

No one could’ve predicted that the nation will mourn.

The English language didn’t deserve to die,

at the hands of a witch who can’t spell Shanghai.

Oh, English, why did you have to depart so soon

And be buried at the bottom of the Witch’s lagoon?

Harriet is allowed to cuss

And Amazon wouldn’t dare make a fuss

Her vulgar language runs the gamut

And she’ll continue to do so until she kicks the bucket

Dick, lowerhead and euphemistic veggies are her trademark

After all, she’s Amazon’s fraudulent matriarch

Harriet speed read the Guinness World Records while she was asleep

 When she realized that her name wasn't in it, a curse escaped her lips which made her brain cells go 'BLEEP!'

She woke up with a karate chop

And threatened Mikey that unless he does something about it, she won't be visiting his candy shop

Mikey realized that his candy shop will be closed forever

Because Harriet cannot read - none whatsoever!