Thursday, March 7, 2013

Poetry Dedicated to Amazon's # 1 Fraud!

I decided to post my limericks here so Harriet's loyal 'fans' can enjoy reading 'em. Perhaps Hattie would get a kick outta 'em, too. Alas, the witch cannot read which is such a shame. 

There once was a witch whose moral compass was broken
She gave up her soul to the devil as a token
She made an unholy pact
Everyone knows it's a fact
Every night she would sail on her broom
And fake review to everyone's doom.

Hattie was a witch with a heart of ice
And head lice
She loved plagiarizing to the hilt
While feeding her minions spoiled milk
 She supervised her hard-working slaves while brandishing her latest unread tome
While she serviced Mikey’s hotdog with a raspy moan

Hattie enjoyed slicing
Because it was so damn enticing
She fantasized about customers’ outrage
As she scooped a spoonful of relish and smeared it on the book’s front page
The smell of relish mixed with fresh ink made her think of Stanley’s meat
This made her squirm in her seat
Klausnerfication was her aphrodisiac
Which caused her to become a raging nymphomaniac.

There once was a horrible hack that lived in AmazonLand
She hovered over her minions with a whip in her hand.
She bullied them like a school bully
And enjoyed it fully
She handcuffed them to her ancient PC
And enjoyed seeing them sweat without any AC
“We must distribute this boat-load of fakes before sunrise,” she bellowed
“So I could sit back and enjoy receiving my paychecks by the arm-load.”

There once was an infamous fraud who couldn’t spell
Even her name was misspelled on her lapel
She didn’t abide by any rules in AmazonVille
And didn’t want to follow the rules of grammar because it makes her so ill!
It’s no secret that her Masters Degree in Library Science was a fake
And so the hack tossed it in a nearby lake.  (I Wish!)

Once upon a time, Harriet had a shrink
Every time he saw her, he had a drink.
She brought jars of relish to her session
He couldn’t understand her relish obsession
He scratched his head in bewilderment
And contemplated early retirement.

Harriet Klausner is a dirty little liar
Who enjoys singing in the devil’s choir
Her laugh resembles a strangled cock
I’m talking about roosters and not things that make her fast-paced moans heard all the way to Bangkok
Her specialty is Klausnerficaton
Which is a fancy word for falsification
Rumor has it that the smell of relish will attract her to your front porch
So prepare to set her ablaze with your blowtorch

Legend has it that Harriet is a descendant of Dracula
From Czechoslovakia
 you can’t vanquish her with garlic or stake
Amazon designed her this way – and that’s their mistake
She doesn’t sparkle in the sunlight
And could enter your home without an invite
Customer beware of this creature
Klausnerfication is her distinctive feature
Please make sure to press the Report Abuse button
Or else the English language in its entirety will be forgotten

Nightmare on Amazon street
Is the number one Tweet
Readers get nightmares
Beyond compare
A villainous charlatan terrorizes the townsfolk
While enjoying seeing their careers go up in smoke
Amazon is now a ghost  town
Haunted by the #1 Klown

There once was an odious witch who admired Ted Bundy's handiwork
Since she was squeamish about blood, she decided to fake review like clockwork
She chose her victims randomly
And klausnered abominably
Since she showed no mercy
It incited a controversy
Fear spread throughout the reading community
Since the witch has Amazon's immunity

Amazon's Cherished Fake Reviewer
Was notorious for being a wrong-doer
She robbed authors' livelihood
While spreading falsehoods.
Amazon ignored authors' complaints
And added a couple of restraints
Harriet crapped a pile of manure
And with her unearned money she was able to buy Dior

There once was an old hack who couldn't read
Ethics and basic grammar structure weren't part of her creed.
So she dumps her relishes
Until the English language perishes
All the characters were hot blooded
While Hattie's lower-head nodded
Over the top of Mount Hood
Is where she stood
"I am the queen of Fraud" she breathed
While the Anti-HK-Fraud society heaved

Once upon a time
Harriet lived on a dime
But then she saw a way out
Thanks to her minion's snout
She decided to work as a shill
And flog her minions to submission up on a hill
She gave all her fake reviews 5 stars
Even though her head is so far up her arse

Once upon a time, Amazon protected a shill
All of her fake reviews were run-of-the-mill
Her readers were eerily still
While downing an anti-tsuris pill
Mad Hattie spread terror
Through her many fake reviewing errors
Her fake reviews generated revenues
While cruising down Amazon's fraudulent avenue

Harriet loves a celery stalk,
Its name flows with her sex talk.
The sight of its stem,
Makes her wanna rub Mikey’s meat with her phlegm.
Who needs a d**do when you’ve got veggies growing in your garden?
Harriet guarantees that a salad will make your man’s carrot swollen

Once upon a time, I got on Amazon’s shit list
When I dared to say that Harriet Klausner doesn’t exist!
She is the name of a sweatshop in a third world country
With her own little army
Her fake reviews are a pain in the behind
And she is the worst reviewer ever known to mankind.
Even though I’ve been a customer for 10 years,
My customer loyalty doesn’t mean squat, or so it appears.
Harriet Fraud Klausner is their pride and glory
So don’t be surprised when they dismiss you like yesterday’s leftovers without so much as saying sorry

One day, when Hattie was semi-sober
She heard from her busybody neighbor
 That chicken soup was the best flu remedy
and nothing could top that recipe.
Hattie popped a vein from sheer rage
And attacked her neighbor and the incident made its way to the front page
“Relish soup is the best remedy,” Harriet cried
“I never believed in lobotomy until I saw you,” her cellmate replied.
The witch’s birthday was around the corner
So Stanley decided to place a book order
He decided to buy a Chicken Soup for the Soul
Then realized it was as pointless as giving a vegan a plate of beef casserole
Harriet Klausner was the devil’s spawn
Who terrorized the customers of Amazon
Stanley wondered if there’s a Relish Soup for the Soulless
And the brainless.
Harriet had probably already submitted a 'review,'
Which consisted of regurgitating the book overview

Harriet got turned on by a banana
And wanted her screams to be heard over a mountain in Montana.
She strutted to Mikey
While wearing a relish-stained nightie
"Baby, did you fart relish, because I can't get enough of the aroma."
"Aah, baby, the sight of you made my sausage slip into a coma."

Harriet is a delusional broad
She could type 400 words per minute
Is it any wonder her “reviews” are as helpful as a leaky faucet
Her supersonic speed
Is the result of weed
Her addled state of mind serves as a warning
Of smoking illicit crap till morning

Once upon a time, Harriet wanted to open a diner
After seeing how much cash a celeb made in the National Enquirer
She headed to a local diner at the stroke of midnight
And gave the passersby a terrible fright
She picked the lock
And bashed the waiter’s head with the butt of her concealed Glock
Eleven years of receiving and carrying 28,000+ non-read books have given her biceps such a workout
Publishes are the biggest fools on earth; that is without a doubt!
 Harriet skimmed and copied the menu
And pasted it all even though she doesn’t speak a word of Hindu

Harriet was at the produce aisle
Rambling like a senile
She picked up a carrot,
and began to caress it like a harlot
“Food Abuse!” The shoppers cried.
“I’ll never look at a carrot the same way again,” Embee sighed.

Once I had a terrible itch
Caused by Amazon’s #1 Witch
Her “reviews” were laden with relish
And I’m allergic to relish and anything embellished
The terrible itch lasted throughout the night
 while the Witch prepared another batch of crap to pollute this website.

There once was a notorious fraud
Who was a complete tightwad
She refused to hire someone to proof read her junk
Even though, proof read or not, it still stank like a skunk
She polluted the with her s**t
But it’s all part of her work, aka fraudulent permit
When will Amazon wake up and smell the coffee
And get rid of Harriet Klausner and her mindless posse?

Legend has it that Harriet is a descendant of Dracula
From Czechoslovakia
you can't vanquish her with garlic or stake
Amazon designed her this way - and that's their mistake
She doesn't sparkle in the sunlight
And could enter your home without an invite
Customer beware of this sinister creature
Klausnerfication is her distinctive feature
Please make sure to press the Report Abuse button
Or else the English language in its entirety will be forgotten

Once upon a time, Batman took a leave of absence from his civic duties at Gotham City
And swung by where the crime was so damn gritty
He spotted the Klownser Princess of Crime spitting out 'reviews'
And crinkled his nose at the smell of relish stew
He removed the books' dust jacket
And shipped her off on a rocket
Who knew the Joker had an evil princess
Who was clearly the product of incest.

The wicked witch of the west
Flew over the cuckoo’s nest
She was strapped to her bed
By nurse Ratched
“I am the speediest reader on earth!” Harriet cried
‘Yes, you are,” her doctor lied
She spent the rest of her years 'reviewing' her strait jacket
And she was no longer able to make a profit. 

Hattie Klausner types up fake reviews while smoking hash
So naturally a customer votes it as trash
She speed dials Amazonland
And demands they remove the negative votes and meet her demand
Amazon complies and labels the customer as her 'fan voter'
Amazon might as well plunge a knife into the fan’s aorta

Hattie’s favorite day of the week is Tuesday
She gets to cash her unearned paychecks by midday
She sells her non-read books on her favorite site
 The sight of money is her day’s highlight
True, the Queen of Lewd loves a bulging lower-head
But she prefers having money on her bedspread instead

Buyer beware
Of Amazon’s software
It has a name
And can maim
Its fake reviews multiply at the speed of light
And Amazon’s security is pretty airtight
When you see its reviews, please vote no
So you can protect yourself from this gizmo

Harriet Klausner never had a bath
Because she’s a raving sociopath
Her hair is so greasy
It makes me feel so queasy
She constantly wets herself
Because she barks orders at her elf
She doesn’t need a costume for Halloween
Her facial hair makes her look like Wolverine

Wonder woman is depressed
because she found out the results of Hattie’s blood test.
Hattie surpasses Wonder Woman’s speed,
She’s a threat to the world; that’s guaranteed!
Wonder Woman must use the Golden Lasso
And force the truth from Harriet and her bozo.
Will Wonder Woman be able to force this villainous creature to confess?
So she could ship her confession to the Supreme Court via Federal Express!

The Charmed Sisters are facing an evil force is its power source
Harriet is a witch turned bad
And she is raving mad
She is immune to spells and the power of three
And screams like a Banshee
Should they team up with the demon Balthazor
Because the Harriet situation is something they can’t ignore

Harriet the Fraud is facing bad publicity
Due to her outrageous duplicity
The fraud’s hubby says, “You see the pages turning,”
But we all know that her nimble fingers are part of her monthly earning.
When will Amazon kick her to the curb
Along with her 28,000+ turd?

From the day Hattie was born,
No one could’ve predicted that the nation will mourn.
The English language didn’t deserve to die,
at the hands of a witch who can’t spell Shanghai.
Oh, English, why did you have to depart so soon
And be buried at the bottom of the Witch’s lagoon?

Harriet is allowed to cuss
And Amazon wouldn’t dare make a fuss
Her vulgar language runs the gamut
And she’ll continue to do so until she kicks the bucket
Dick, lowerhead and euphemistic veggies are her trademark
After all, she’s Amazon’s fraudulent matriarch

Harriet speed read the Guinness World Records while she was asleep
 When she realized that her name wasn't in it, a curse escaped her lips which made her brain cells go 'BLEEP!'
She woke up with a karate chop
And threatened Mikey that unless he does something about it, she won't be visiting his candy shop
Mikey realized that his candy shop will be closed forever
Because Harriet cannot read - none whatsoever!

1 comment:

Bev said...

WOW. (I'm speechless!)