There once was a witch whose moral
compass was broken
She gave up her soul to the devil as
a token
She made an unholy pact
Everyone knows it's a fact
Every night she would sail on her
broom
And fake review to everyone's doom.
Hattie was a witch with a heart of
ice
And head lice
She loved plagiarizing to the hilt
While feeding her minions spoiled
milk
She supervised her hard-working slaves while
brandishing her latest unread tome
While she serviced Mikey’s hotdog
with a raspy moan
Hattie enjoyed slicing
Because it was so damn enticing
She fantasized about customers’
outrage
As she scooped a spoonful of relish
and smeared it on the book’s front page
The smell of relish mixed with fresh
ink made her think of Stanley’s meat
This made her squirm in her seat
Klausnerfication was her aphrodisiac
Which caused her to become a raging
nymphomaniac.
There once was a horrible hack that
lived in AmazonLand
She hovered over her minions with a
whip in her hand.
She bullied them like a school bully
And enjoyed it fully
She handcuffed them to her ancient
PC
And enjoyed seeing them sweat without
any AC
“We must distribute this boat-load
of fakes before sunrise,” she bellowed
“So I could sit back and enjoy
receiving my paychecks by the arm-load.”
There once was an infamous fraud who
couldn’t spell
Even her name was misspelled on her
lapel
She didn’t abide by any rules in
AmazonVille
And didn’t want to follow the rules
of grammar because it makes her so ill!
It’s no secret that her Masters
Degree in Library Science was a fake
And so the hack tossed it in a
nearby lake. (I Wish!)
Once upon a time, Harriet had a
shrink
Every time he saw her, he had a
drink.
She brought jars of relish to her
session
He couldn’t understand her relish
obsession
He scratched his head in
bewilderment
And contemplated early retirement.
Harriet Klausner is a dirty little
liar
Who enjoys singing in the devil’s
choir
Her laugh resembles a strangled cock
I’m talking about roosters and not
things that make her fast-paced moans heard all the way to Bangkok
Her specialty is Klausnerficaton
Which is a fancy word for
falsification
Rumor has it that the smell of
relish will attract her to your front porch
So prepare to set her ablaze with
your blowtorch
Legend has it that Harriet is a
descendant of Dracula
From Czechoslovakia
you can’t vanquish her with garlic or stake
Amazon designed her this way – and
that’s their mistake
She doesn’t sparkle in the sunlight
And could enter your home without an
invite
Customer beware of this creature
Klausnerfication is her distinctive
feature
Please make sure to press the Report
Abuse button
Or else the English language in its
entirety will be forgotten
Nightmare on Amazon street
Is the number one Tweet
Readers get nightmares
Beyond compare
A villainous charlatan terrorizes
the townsfolk
While enjoying seeing their careers
go up in smoke
Amazon is now a ghost town
Haunted by the #1 Klown
There once was an odious witch who
admired Ted Bundy's handiwork
Since she was squeamish about blood,
she decided to fake review like clockwork
She chose her victims randomly
And klausnered abominably
Since she showed no mercy
It incited a controversy
Fear spread throughout the reading
community
Since the witch has Amazon's
immunity
Amazon's Cherished Fake Reviewer
Was notorious for being a wrong-doer
She robbed authors' livelihood
While spreading falsehoods.
Amazon ignored authors' complaints
And added a couple of restraints
Harriet crapped a pile of manure
And with her unearned money she was
able to buy Dior
There once was an old hack who
couldn't read
Ethics and basic grammar structure
weren't part of her creed.
So she dumps her relishes
Until the English language perishes
All the characters were hot blooded
While Hattie's lower-head nodded
Over the top of Mount Hood
Is where she stood
"I am the queen of Fraud"
she breathed
While the Anti-HK-Fraud society
heaved
Once upon a time
Harriet lived on a dime
But then she saw a way out
Thanks to her minion's snout
She decided to work as a shill
And flog her minions to submission
up on a hill
She gave all her fake reviews 5
stars
Even though her head is so far up
her arse
Once upon a time, Amazon protected a
shill
All of her fake reviews were
run-of-the-mill
Her readers were eerily still
While downing an anti-tsuris pill
Mad Hattie spread terror
Through her many fake reviewing
errors
Her fake reviews generated revenues
While cruising down Amazon's
fraudulent avenue
Harriet loves a celery stalk,
Its name flows with her sex talk.
The sight of its stem,
Makes her wanna rub Mikey’s meat
with her phlegm.
Who needs a d**do when you’ve got
veggies growing in your garden?
Harriet guarantees that a salad will
make your man’s carrot swollen
Once upon a time, I got on Amazon’s
shit list
When I dared to say that Harriet
Klausner doesn’t exist!
She is the name of a sweatshop in a
third world country
With her own little army
Her fake reviews are a pain in the
behind
And she is the worst reviewer ever
known to mankind.
Even though I’ve been a customer for
10 years,
My customer loyalty doesn’t mean squat,
or so it appears.
Harriet Fraud Klausner is their
pride and glory
So don’t be surprised when they
dismiss you like yesterday’s leftovers without so much as saying sorry
One day, when Hattie was semi-sober
She heard from her busybody neighbor
That chicken soup was the best flu remedy
and nothing could top that recipe.
Hattie popped a vein from sheer rage
And attacked her neighbor and the
incident made its way to the front page
“Relish soup is the best remedy,”
Harriet cried
“I never believed in lobotomy until
I saw you,” her cellmate replied.
The witch’s birthday was around the
corner
So Stanley decided to place a book
order
He decided to buy a Chicken Soup for
the Soul
Then realized it was as pointless as
giving a vegan a plate of beef casserole
Harriet Klausner was the devil’s
spawn
Who terrorized the customers of
Amazon
Stanley wondered if there’s a Relish
Soup for the Soulless
And the brainless.
Harriet had probably already
submitted a 'review,'
Which consisted of regurgitating the
book overview
Harriet got turned on by a banana
And wanted her screams to be heard
over a mountain in Montana.
She strutted to Mikey
While wearing a relish-stained
nightie
"Baby, did you fart relish,
because I can't get enough of the aroma."
"Aah, baby, the sight of you
made my sausage slip into a coma."
Harriet is a delusional broad
She could type 400 words per minute
Is it any wonder her “reviews” are
as helpful as a leaky faucet
Her supersonic speed
Is the result of weed
Her addled state of mind serves as a
warning
Of smoking illicit crap till morning
Once upon a time, Harriet wanted to
open a diner
After seeing how much cash a celeb
made in the National Enquirer
She headed to a local diner at the
stroke of midnight
And gave the passersby a terrible
fright
She picked the lock
And bashed the waiter’s head with
the butt of her concealed Glock
Eleven years of receiving and
carrying 28,000+ non-read books have given her biceps such a workout
Publishes are the biggest fools on
earth; that is without a doubt!
Harriet skimmed and copied the menu
And pasted it all even though she
doesn’t speak a word of Hindu
Harriet was at the produce aisle
Rambling like a senile
She picked up a carrot,
and began to caress it like a harlot
“Food Abuse!” The shoppers cried.
“I’ll never look at a carrot the
same way again,” Embee sighed.
Once I had a terrible itch
Caused by Amazon’s #1 Witch
Her “reviews” were laden with relish
And I’m allergic to relish and
anything embellished
The terrible itch lasted throughout
the night
while the Witch prepared another batch of crap
to pollute this website.
There once was a notorious fraud
Who was a complete tightwad
She refused to hire someone to proof
read her junk
Even though, proof read or not, it
still stank like a skunk
She polluted the Amazon.com with her
s**t
But it’s all part of her work, aka
fraudulent permit
When will Amazon wake up and smell
the coffee
And get rid of Harriet Klausner and
her mindless posse?
Legend has it that Harriet is a
descendant of Dracula
From Czechoslovakia
you can't vanquish her with garlic
or stake
Amazon designed her this way - and
that's their mistake
She doesn't sparkle in the sunlight
And could enter your home without an
invite
Customer beware of this sinister
creature
Klausnerfication is her distinctive
feature
Please make sure to press the Report
Abuse button
Or else the English language in its
entirety will be forgotten
Once upon a time, Batman took a
leave of absence from his civic duties at Gotham City
And swung by Amazon.com where the
crime was so damn gritty
He spotted the Klownser Princess of
Crime spitting out 'reviews'
And crinkled his nose at the smell
of relish stew
He removed the books' dust jacket
And shipped her off on a rocket
Who knew the Joker had an evil
princess
Who was clearly the product of
incest.
The wicked witch of the west
Flew over the cuckoo’s nest
She was strapped to her bed
By nurse Ratched
“I am the speediest reader on
earth!” Harriet cried
‘Yes, you are,” her doctor lied
She spent the rest of her years
'reviewing' her strait jacket
And she was no longer able to make a
profit.
Hattie Klausner types up fake
reviews while smoking hash
So naturally a customer votes it as
trash
She speed dials Amazonland
And demands they remove the negative
votes and meet her demand
Amazon complies and labels the
customer as her 'fan voter'
Amazon might as well plunge a knife
into the fan’s aorta
Hattie’s favorite day of the week is
Tuesday
She gets to cash her unearned
paychecks by midday
She sells her non-read books on her
favorite site
The sight of money is her day’s highlight
True, the Queen of Lewd loves a
bulging lower-head
But she prefers having money on her
bedspread instead
Buyer beware
Of Amazon’s software
It has a name
And can maim
Its fake reviews multiply at the
speed of light
And Amazon’s security is pretty
airtight
When you see its reviews, please
vote no
So you can protect yourself from
this gizmo
Harriet Klausner never had a bath
Because she’s a raving sociopath
Her hair is so greasy
It makes me feel so queasy
She constantly wets herself
Because she barks orders at her elf
She doesn’t need a costume for
Halloween
Her facial hair makes her look like
Wolverine
Wonder woman is depressed
because she found out the results of
Hattie’s blood test.
Hattie surpasses Wonder Woman’s
speed,
She’s a threat to the world; that’s
guaranteed!
Wonder Woman must use the Golden
Lasso
And force the truth from Harriet and
her bozo.
Will Wonder Woman be able to force
this villainous creature to confess?
So she could ship her confession to
the Supreme Court via Federal Express!
The Charmed Sisters are facing an
evil force
Amazon.com is its power source
Harriet is a witch turned bad
And she is raving mad
She is immune to spells and the
power of three
And screams like a Banshee
Should they team up with the demon
Balthazor
Because the Harriet situation is
something they can’t ignore
Harriet the Fraud is facing bad
publicity
Due to her outrageous duplicity
The fraud’s hubby says, “You see the
pages turning,”
But we all know that her nimble
fingers are part of her monthly earning.
When will Amazon kick her to the
curb
Along with her 28,000+ turd?
From the day Hattie was born,
No one could’ve predicted that the
nation will mourn.
The English language didn’t deserve
to die,
at the hands of a witch who can’t
spell Shanghai.
Oh, English, why did you have to
depart so soon
And be buried at the bottom of the
Witch’s lagoon?
Harriet is allowed to cuss
And Amazon wouldn’t dare make a fuss
Her vulgar language runs the gamut
And she’ll continue to do so until
she kicks the bucket
Dick, lowerhead and euphemistic
veggies are her trademark
After all, she’s Amazon’s fraudulent
matriarch
Harriet speed read the Guinness
World Records while she was asleep
When she realized that her name wasn't in it,
a curse escaped her lips which made her brain cells go 'BLEEP!'
She woke up with a karate chop
And threatened Mikey that unless he
does something about it, she won't be visiting his candy shop
Mikey realized that his candy shop
will be closed forever
Because Harriet cannot read - none
whatsoever!
