Satirical Stories

*This is based on the children’s story of The Gingerbread Man*

Once upon a time in a faraway land, Amazon decided to engineer a marketing machine made of relish, lies and, all things fake. They made some calls to a third world country, where a malevolent old witch lived with her elves. They gave her a name, an email account, and a gibberish thesaurus. Once Harriet Klausner was cultivated to their satisfaction, she took off running like Road Runner on steroids. The runaway Relish-Marketing Witch zipped and zoomed and dumped her fake reviews while singing, "Run, and comment, as fast as you can you can't stop me I'm the Relish Marketing Witch!"

The Relish-marketing Witch ran past Amazon customers. "Stop!" yelled the customers. "We are on a relish-free diet!"

But the Relish Marketing Witch zipped and zoomed, trilling, "I have been given the right to roam free and dump my relishes, lies, tsuris, and obscene language and I can Klausner your favorite books, too!" 

The Relish Marketing Witch ran past the Still Fans, "Stop! We are tired of lacking animation and remaining motionless! Please stop fake reviewing!"

But the Relish Marketing Witch zipped and zoomed, singing, "I have run away from Amazon customers and I can run away from you, too!"

The Relish Marketing Witch ran past the Anti HK Fraud Society. "Stop! We are ill from all the relish and tsuris! Remove your relish and fake-reviewing debris this instant!"

But the relish Marketing Witch zipped and zoomed in AmazonVille, singing, "I have been given the right to klausner books and reduce them to drivel!! Your Anti-HK-Fraud-Society doesn't scare me! Watch me as I prepare to dump another batch of fake reviews! Run, and comment, as fast as you can, you can't touch me, I am protected by Amazon!"

Then the Relish Marketing Witch came to a Grammar Exam. She wanted to pass it, but she can't spell. The witch was in a terrible pickle and her elves couldn't help her out seeing how they only spoke gibberish. A reporter saw this witch and offered to give her some lessons in proper sentence structure.

The relish Marketing Witch took up on his offer. However, she went POOF when he exposed her fraudulent behavior in the media. In order to save face, Amazon deleted all of her 28284 fake reviews and attributed this to an experiment gone horribly wrong.

The End.

*This is based on the children’s story of The Little Red Hen*

Once upon a time, in a third world country, there was a Machine by the name of Harriet Klausner. It'd been programmed to wreak havoc on mankind. The Machine had three best friends. A husband who lived in the basement - banging his head against the wall in the hopes of developing amnesia - in order to forget the horrors of living with a wretched entity. A son who lived in the attic. The attic was boarded up - in the hopes that he could stop the echo of endless teasing he received for having a machine as a mother. And finally Amazon. 

One day, while browsing through Amazon's reviews, an evil idea was conceptualized in the puny brain It possessed. It decided to disperse an influx of fake reviews into Amazon's system.

"Who will help me ensnare minions so they could become part of my fake reviewing team?" said the Machine.

"Not I," said the husband.

"Not I," said the son.

"Not I," said Amazon.

"Fine!" snarled the Machine. "Then I'll do it all by myself." And it did!

Once the Machine had captured and brainwashed the defenseless minions, it proceeded to ask the three friends:  

"Who will help me steal an encyclopedia of landmarks and mountains?"

"Not I, " said the husband

"Not I," said the son

"Not I," said Amazon.

"Fine! Then I'll order my minion to break into a library and steal it!" bellowed the Machine. And it did!

"Who will help me plagiarize Publisher's Weekly and other assorted editorial reviews?"

"Not I," said the husband.

"Not I," said the son.

"Not I," said Amazon.

"Fine, then I'll do it all by myself!" And it did - all 300 garbled reviews - within 24 hours!

The following morning, the Machine received her generous paycheck for fake reviewing indefatigably.

"Who wants a sum of my paycheck?" said the Machine.

"I do," exclaimed the husband.

"I do," exclaimed the son.

"I do," exclaimed Amazon.

"Oh no, you won't! This paycheck is mine to relish! But if you want a portion of my paycheck, then y'all have to partake in your unethical duties!"  

The son helped the Machine sell her boat-load of new books at half.com. The husband began to look the other way. He assisted the minions in the mass-production of fake, useless reviews. Amazon allowed the Machine to roam free without any restrictions or adherence to guidelines! The Machine stipulated that they ignore customers’ complaints about its fraudulent behavior - and they did!

The End.