Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Six-Word Biographies of Harriet Klausner

Harriet once "reviewed" a book of six-word memoirs by writers.  In honor of that, here are some six-word descriptions of the Mad Hattie.

*I was born a "speed reader."
*Sell ARCs. Get cash in hand.
*Don't know how to use semicolons.
*Subject verb agreement? Who has time?
*Relish! Support cast! Armchair! Relish! Relish!
* Relish makes my day go round.
*Incapable of spelling my own name.
*Motionless readers "xcite" my lower-head.
*#1 major food group is RELISH!
*Summaries and reviews are the same!
*I Love to destroy authors' livelihood! 
*"Reviewed" 140 books in one day.
*Suffers from lack of reading comprehension.
*Oh! The poor readers remain motionless.
*Husband's name is Stanley. Or Mikey?
*Grocery list: bananas, cherries, sausages, asparagus.
*Likes 1970s "films" starring Harry Reems.
*Number 1 Hall of Fame "reviewer."
*I don't disclose advance review copies.
*More "reviews". Must write more "reviews".
*My life's purpose: cutting and pasting.
*Out of relish? Must go shopping!
*My free book supply is dwindling.
*Sentence structure? What does that mean?
*You're supposed to read the book?
*My rank is going down. Aarrgh!
*Grammar? Punctuation? Never heard of them. 
*I have Harlequin on speed dial.
*I'm the world's biggest reviewing Fraud.
*Over the top of [random landmark].
*Tsuris. Rotating cast. Still readers. Tsuris.
*Eciting eexciting exciing exciiting excitin excitng.
*I get more comments than anyone.
*"Get a life. Read a book."
*Master's in library science, my behind.
*Am I supposed to disclose ARCs?
*I love klausnering every single genre.
*Viscous, vicious - what is the difference?
*Morality prevents me from making money
*My fan voters love my "reviews."
*I am the Queen of Fraud
*Aspiring Frauds: learn from the queen.
*I have a PhD in lying.
*Run-on sentences are my specialty. 
*Goddess of (bad) Grammar, Harriet Hogwash
*The Perpetual Perpetrator of Poor Punctuation
*The Butcheress of Grammar, Harriet Hooey
*Great and Prolific Poobah of Frauddom
*The Mad Hattie, Mistress of Malarkey
*Diva of Deceit, Klausner the Quack
*The Cozy Queen of Carp Reviews
*Our Lady of Perpetual Posting Reviews
*The Frau_ Known as Harriet Klausner
*Butcheress of Grammar and Sentence Structure
*The Queen of Quotable Commaless Carp
*"great" I can't spell the word
*grat gret graet reat greta geat 
*Welcome to Fraud Ville: Population - ME!
*Amazon's representatives and I are BFF!
 *Immorality is my way of life.
*I live to write fake "reviews".
*I really really relish relishing relish.
*Sub sub genre. Sub sub plot.
*Read the book? Why do that?
*Never at a loss for words.
*I love to reference pornographic movies.
*You mean reviews should make sense?
*Details, schmetails. Who cares about accuracy?
*What's a pronoun antecedent? Please explain.
*My English "education" improves my "reviews".
*Still fans. Fast-paced fans. Armchair fans.
*Always three paragraphs, except for biographies.
*Increase word count: list other books.
*I still listen to 1970's music.
*I love to use obscure references.
*My biography changes depending on circumstances.
*When in doubt, make stuff up.
*I've never expressed a personal opinion.
*Haven't read a book so far.
*Comment away. I never read them.
*I don't care what people think.
*Came out of womb speed reading.
*Sells ARCs on half dot com.
*My hair turned gray. You like?
*"Reviews" are my game. Ethics? Lame.
*I don't get out very much.
*Sleep? Eat? Bathe? Who has time?
*I'm a professional librarian. Truuuust me.
*28,750 books. Twelve years. Do math.
*Harlequin loves my five star "reviews".
*Ethics, schmethics. I have no integrity.
*Semi-colons 'R Us. Commas 'Rn't Us.
*Words, schmerds. They all run together.
*I can never remember character names.
*I never take a day off.
*Reems is my favorite movie star.
*Watching Deep Throat: up my "alley"!
*Everyone really loves all my "reviews".
*See the comments? They love me!
*I'll do anything to get attention.
*Why would anyone think I'm fraudulent?
*My "reviews" sell lots of books.
*Ain't I great? Publishers love me.
*Ain't I great? Amazon loves me.
*Send me more free books. NOW!
*What to do if not "review"?
*Don't have much of a life.
*So many books to never read.
*I can't clean! Too many books.
*Relish. Bananas. Pickles. Strawberries. Sausage. Yum.
*Anybody need empty relish jars? Cheap!
*Anybody need some unread books? Bargain! 
*"She's soft, I won't deny that." 

Credit to me, Sara, Bev, buck210, and Hattie and Stanley Klausner themselves.


Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud when you said that the credit goes to Hattie and Stanley. Who knew that they would add something to this blog? :p


Bev said...

Sneaky - great job! So glad you found this book review. I had a lot of fun with it! I'm still thinking in six-word sentences...

*Hattie's a fraud, cheat and liar.
*No regard for the buying public.
*"Read a book."? What an ass.

Anonymous said...

Here's another one (courtesy of Sneaky bringing it to my attention). It's written by the Duchess of Duplicity on one her latest fake reviews:

"Meet the librarian queen of mean."

How fitting!

Bev, you're on a roll with your six-word biographies. Kudos!