Thursday, April 4, 2013

The One That Got Away



*This is based on the Three Little Pigs*

Once upon a time, there were three Little Publishers. They decided to go to the big city and publish books! They must keep an eye out for new talent and professional reviewers.

The first little publisher went to work for Harle's publishing house. Their foremost reviewer was Harriet Klausner.
 “Why do you send her a massive amount of ARCs?” asked the Little Publisher. 
“Because unlike other reviewers, Harriet automatically gives four/five star reviews,” the editor said.
“But there’s been proof that she doesn't read books!” protested the Little Publisher.
“Oh, we know she doesn't read them, but in this business, a five star review sells books.”

Harriet Klausner mindlessly continued to give four/five star “reviews.” However, she kept on making massive errors in her fake reviews. Readers began to avoid buying Harle’s books because of Harriet. 

One day, Harriet gave the publishing house a ring.

“Little Publisher, Little Publisher, send me more ARCs!” hissed Harriet.

“No, No, by the hair of my chinny chin chin I will not send you more ARCs!”

So Harriet let out a wolfish grin and threatened, “I’ll huff and puff and blow the pages out of this pristine, unread book!”

So she huffed and puffed and blew the pages out of her new, untouched books. Needless to say, she drove the publishing house into the ground.

The second Little Publisher went to work for Simone's publishing house.
“Why do you send Harriet Klausner free books?” asked the Little Publisher
“Because Amazon customers are the biggest idiots. Idiocy sells. I can’t find another reviewer as unethical as Harriet Klausner. A five star review helps sell our books. She would gladly sell her husband down the river in exchange for a free book.”

“But that’s wrong,” mumbled the Little Publisher

“Harriet doesn't have any problem duping customers, so why should we? All we do is send HK free books. I believe in free will. Besides, we don’t send HK as many free books as we used to. There’s a campaign going on at Amazon.com and they’re alerting customers to HK’s fraudulent behavior,” replied the editor.

Meanwhile, Harriet Klausner’s ARCs were dwindling VERY FAST. She needed MORE books to klausner! So she gave Simone's publishing house a ring:

“Little Publisher, Little Publisher, send me more ARCs! Usually the boxes litter all the rooms in my house, including my front yard and the neighbor’s yard, but now I’m down to my last box!” cried Harriet Klausner.

“No, no, not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I’ll not send you more ARCs!”

“Then I’ll huff and puff and blow the pages out of these pristine books!”

So HK huffed and puffed and added the customary relish and blew the pages out of the books! Soon, Harriet drove Simone's publishing house into the ground.

The third Little Publisher decided to self-publish his own book. He’s seen how publishing houses were going bankrupt.  A Mad Woman has been terrorizing the publishing industry lately. The Little Publisher deemed it safer to self-publish.

HK got wind of the self-published book and wanted to fake review it! She had a nose like a Bloodhound when it came to new, unklausnered books! The thought of klausnering new books  was very tantalizing.  Unfortunately, it’s an e-book. How will she reap the monetary benefits of selling it at half.com before the publication date if it’s an e-book? The fraud was in such a pickle! Damn Kindle and iPads! HK hated technology with a vengeance. It's put a crimp in her scheming style.

So she asked Amazon to fork over the Little Pubisher's cell number.

“I want a printed edition of your book.” HK stated.
“And you are...?”
“I am Harriet Klausner. The most sought-after prolific reviewer.”
“Oh, you’re the murderess of the English language and the one who’s been a jinx to publishing houses lately.”
“I’m not here to negotiate. I want you to send a copy of your book to my house or else I’ll huff and puff.”
“Knock yourself out, dahling.”

HK huffed and puffed but she could not blow it in. She tried for hours on end without any success.

So HK decided to use another tactic. She was the Empress of all evil-doings! Surely she could formulate an evil plan.

The next morning, she called the Little Publisher/Author.

“My Hall of Fame badge will help customers buy your book based on my review. According to Amazon, ‘the Hall of Fame honors those who have been highly ranked in previous years.’So I am a legend at Amazon.com, and it would be in the best interest of your career if you send me an ARC so I can review it.”

“No, thanks. Amazon’s system is a joke, and you’re the one who turned it into a laughing stock. I’d rather send a copy of my book to an ape than send it to you. At least it would have a better chance of being read. How? The zoo keeper will read it to the ape.“


The little Publisher’s book became a best-seller and Harriet let out a scream of frustration because she couldn't klausner it! Amazon was no help whatsoever! Huff. So much for being their Queen.  For the rest of her life, Harriet will always remember the one that got away… from her deadly clutches.

The end.

7 comments:

Sneaky Burrito said...

Lovely as always, Sara!

Sara said...

Thanks, Sneaky! I've learned from the best! Whenever you have the free time, I hope you could whip up another great story! You're a natural born storyteller!

Sneaky Burrito said...

I had an idea for a story but I can't figure out how it should end. (I can't have the Klausner house disappearing into a vortex again -- as satisfying as that is, it would get old.)

Sara said...

I think you should go ahead and write it, anyway.

I read that Stephen King doesn't form a plot/ending. He gets a bunch of characters together and puts them in a fraught situation. (I'm not a fan of King's books; but I think it's a great tip.)

I know that each person has his/her own way of writing a story, but you can try this method since you're not sure how your Hattie story will end. Who knows, maybe it will come to you as you write. :) I look forward to reading it!

Chick Pilot said...

Nicely done Sara (as usual)! I can post my silly "other swill" story but I bow to your humor and wit!

I also agree that I would love to see another brilliant Sneaky story.

Bev said...

Sara, great story!! Funny, but makes all the right points. Wish I was so creative!

Looking forward to more stories by any of you guys!

Malleus said...

Thumbs up. Sara you definitely have a writing talent, for fiction. Love your little stories about Harriet, shall we call them the "apocripha". Keep 'em coming!