Hattie's relishing relished relish history

Also posted on her latest fake review.

Speaking of relishing relish, Hatties relish numbers have been down slightly in the past few months, but, so far this month is a relish record (percent of relish per fake review) that should be relished.

Here's Hattie's relish history since I started the tracking of her relishing relished relish:

Date .. Relish .. Reviews .. Percent
Jan 2012 ... 25 .. 214 .. 11.68%
Feb 2012 ... 16 .. 203 ... 7.88%
Mar 2012 ... 17 .. 219 ... 7.76%
Apr 2012 ... 15 .. 195 ... 7.69%
May 2012 .. 17 .. 214 ... 7.94%
Jun 2012 ... 20 .. 189 .. 10.58%
Jul 2012 .... 22 .. 215 .. 10.23%
Aug 2012 ... 12 .. 213 ... 5.63%
Sep 2012 .... 9 .. 200 ... 4.50%
Oct 2012 ... 23 .. 229 .. 10.04%
Nov 2012 ... 12 .. 117 .. 10.26%
Dec 2012 .... 3 ... 72 ... 4.17%
Jan 2013 ..... 9 .. 101 ... 8.91%
Feb 2013 ..... 7 .... 91 ... 7.69%
Mar 2013 ..... 9 .... 87 .. 10.34%
Apr 2013 .... 14 .... 85 .. 16.47%

eta: Hattie's overall relish percent: With 1710 relishing relished relish and 28766 fake reviews comes to 5.94% overall.

Six-Word Biographies of Harriet Klausner

Harriet once "reviewed" a book of six-word memoirs by writers.  In honor of that, here are some six-word descriptions of the Mad Hattie.

*I was born a "speed reader."
*Sell ARCs. Get cash in hand.
*Don't know how to use semicolons.
*Subject verb agreement? Who has time?
*Relish! Support cast! Armchair! Relish! Relish!
* Relish makes my day go round.
*Incapable of spelling my own name.
*Motionless readers "xcite" my lower-head.
*#1 major food group is RELISH!
*Summaries and reviews are the same!
*I Love to destroy authors' livelihood! 
*"Reviewed" 140 books in one day.
*Suffers from lack of reading comprehension.
*Oh! The poor readers remain motionless.
*Husband's name is Stanley. Or Mikey?
*Grocery list: bananas, cherries, sausages, asparagus.
*Likes 1970s "films" starring Harry Reems.
*Number 1 Hall of Fame "reviewer."
*I don't disclose advance review copies.
*More "reviews". Must write more "reviews".
*My life's purpose: cutting and pasting.
*Out of relish? Must go shopping!
*My free book supply is dwindling.
*Sentence structure? What does that mean?
*You're supposed to read the book?
*My rank is going down. Aarrgh!
*Grammar? Punctuation? Never heard of them. 
*I have Harlequin on speed dial.
*I'm the world's biggest reviewing Fraud.
*Over the top of [random landmark].
*Tsuris. Rotating cast. Still readers. Tsuris.
*Eciting eexciting exciing exciiting excitin excitng.
*I get more comments than anyone.
*"Get a life. Read a book."
*Master's in library science, my behind.
*Am I supposed to disclose ARCs?
*I love klausnering every single genre.
*Viscous, vicious - what is the difference?
*Morality prevents me from making money
*My fan voters love my "reviews."
*I am the Queen of Fraud
*Aspiring Frauds: learn from the queen.
*I have a PhD in lying.
*Run-on sentences are my specialty. 
*Goddess of (bad) Grammar, Harriet Hogwash
*The Perpetual Perpetrator of Poor Punctuation
*The Butcheress of Grammar, Harriet Hooey
*Great and Prolific Poobah of Frauddom
*The Mad Hattie, Mistress of Malarkey
*Diva of Deceit, Klausner the Quack
*The Cozy Queen of Carp Reviews
*Our Lady of Perpetual Posting Reviews
*The Frau_ Known as Harriet Klausner
*Butcheress of Grammar and Sentence Structure
*The Queen of Quotable Commaless Carp
*"great" I can't spell the word
*grat gret graet reat greta geat 
*Welcome to Fraud Ville: Population - ME!
*Amazon's representatives and I are BFF!
 *Immorality is my way of life.
*I live to write fake "reviews".
*I really really relish relishing relish.
*Sub sub genre. Sub sub plot.
*Read the book? Why do that?
*Never at a loss for words.
*I love to reference pornographic movies.
*You mean reviews should make sense?
*Details, schmetails. Who cares about accuracy?
*What's a pronoun antecedent? Please explain.
*My English "education" improves my "reviews".
*Still fans. Fast-paced fans. Armchair fans.
*Always three paragraphs, except for biographies.
*Increase word count: list other books.
*I still listen to 1970's music.
*I love to use obscure references.
*My biography changes depending on circumstances.
*When in doubt, make stuff up.
*I've never expressed a personal opinion.
*Haven't read a book so far.
*Comment away. I never read them.
*I don't care what people think.
*Came out of womb speed reading.
*Sells ARCs on half dot com.
*My hair turned gray. You like?
*"Reviews" are my game. Ethics? Lame.
*I don't get out very much.
*Sleep? Eat? Bathe? Who has time?
*I'm a professional librarian. Truuuust me.
*28,750 books. Twelve years. Do math.
*Harlequin loves my five star "reviews".
*Ethics, schmethics. I have no integrity.
*Semi-colons 'R Us. Commas 'Rn't Us.
*Words, schmerds. They all run together.
*I can never remember character names.
*I never take a day off.
*Reems is my favorite movie star.
*Watching Deep Throat: up my "alley"!
*Everyone really loves all my "reviews".
*See the comments? They love me!
*I'll do anything to get attention.
*Why would anyone think I'm fraudulent?
*My "reviews" sell lots of books.
*Ain't I great? Publishers love me.
*Ain't I great? Amazon loves me.
*Send me more free books. NOW!
*What to do if not "review"?
*Don't have much of a life.
*So many books to never read.
*I can't clean! Too many books.
*Relish. Bananas. Pickles. Strawberries. Sausage. Yum.
*Anybody need empty relish jars? Cheap!
*Anybody need some unread books? Bargain! 
*"She's soft, I won't deny that." 

Credit to me, Sara, Bev, buck210, and Hattie and Stanley Klausner themselves.

Fraud Hattie Mid-Month Stats Update

This can also be seen on her latest fake review

It's time for another mid-month update on Fraud Hattie's antics. BTW, what's up with Dump Day Tuesday's lately, only averaging 3 per DDT?

Date Fake Reviews . Avg ... YTD ... Votes . Helpful . % . Not Helpful . % . Relish . Fans . Rank AVP's Vine's
Jan 2012 .... 214 ... 6.90 ... 6.90 ... 1044 ... 506 ... 48% ... 538 ... 52% ... 25 ... 2555 .... 873 .... 3 ... 2
Feb 2012 .... 203 ... 7.25 ... 7.08 .... 599 ... 423 ... 71% ... 176 ... 29% ... 16 ... 2555 ... 1053 .. 11 ... 1
Mar 2012 .... 219 ... 7.06 ... 7.07 .... 730 ... 509 ... 70% ... 221 ... 30% ... 17 ... 2555 ... 1069 .... 3 ... 0
Apr 2012 .... 195 ... 6.50 ... 6.93 .... 730 ... 514 ... 70% ... 216 ... 30% ... 15 ... 2555 ... 1077 .... 9 ... 0
May 2012 ... 214 ... 6.90 ... 6.92 .... 733 ... 485 ... 66% ... 248 ... 34% ... 17 ... 2555 ... 1075 .... 4 ... 0
Jun 2012 .... 189 ... 6.30 ... 6.82 .... 646 ... 374 ... 58% ... 272 ... 42% ... 20 ... 2555 ... 1069 .... 7 ... 1
Jul 2012 ..... 215 ... 6.94 ... 6.84 .... 617 ... 358 ... 58% ... 259 ... 42% ... 22 ... 2555 ... 1106 .... 7 ... 6
Aug 2012 ... 213 ... 6.87 ... 6.84 .... 583 ... 310 ... 53% ... 273 ... 47% ... 12 ... 2555 ... 1200 .... 4 ... 2
Sep 2012 ... 200 ... 6.67 ... 6.82 .... 460 ... 246 ... 53% ... 214 ... 47% ..... 9 ... 2592 ... 1266 .... 9 ... 1
Oct 2012 .... 229 ... 7.39 ... 6.88 .... 590 ... 290 ... 49% ... 300 ... 51% ... 23 ... 2606 ... 1375 .... 6 ... 2
Nov 2012 ... 117 ... 3.90 ... 6.61 .... 199 ..... 94 ... 47% ... 105 ... 53% ... 12 ... 2617 ... 1463 .... 4 ... 0
Dec 2012 ..... 72 ... 2.32 ... 6.25 .... 277 ... 106 ... 38% ... 171 ... 62% ..... 3 ... 2633 ... 1666 .... 5 ... 1
Jan 2013 ... 101 ... 3.26 ... 3.26 .... 240 .... 119 ... 50% ... 121 ... 50% ..... 9 ... 2651 ... 1735 .... 3 ... 1
Feb 2013 ..... 91 ... 3.25 ... 3.25 .... 149 ..... 87 ... 58% ..... 62 ... 42% ..... 7 ... 2666 ... 1779 .... 2 ... 2
Mar 2013 ..... 87 ... 2.81 ... 3.10 .... 126 ..... 74 ... 59% ..... 52 ... 41% ..... 9 ... 2681 ... 1805 .... 6 ... 2
Apr 2013 ..... 57 ... 3.35 ... 3.14 ....... 42 ..... 16 ... 38% ..... 26 ... 62% ..... 9 ... 2686 ... 1835 .... 1 ... 4

Readers/Fans/Audience from this month's 57 fake reviews:

slow as readers meet the cast
readers will enjoy
readers will appreciate
Readers who can ignore
Readers will appreciate
readers who can ignore
Still readers will enjoy (Hattie can't go a month without motionless readers!)
Readers will relish (mmmm, relish!)
readers will enjoy
readers will relish (more relish)
enables armchair readers to believe
will remind readers of a different
readers will enjoy
action leading to readers anticipating
Readers who enjoy
Readers will enjoy
that grips readers from the onset
Readers will enjoy
enables armchair readers to believe (armchair made a double appearance this month)
readers will appreciate
Readers root
for readers to rely on
readers will enjoy
fans will enjoy (11 "fans will enjoy" so far this month)
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans will enjoy
fans of the author will want to know what
fans will appreciate
fans will appreciate
fans will appreciate
fans who enjoy
fans of Sandra Hill will enjoy Kiss
fans of the series and newcomers will relish (more relish)
Series fans will relish (and, even more relish)
Series fans will relish (relish relish relish, lot's to eat this month)
that grips the audience from
that grips the audience from (no, I did not stutter)
hooks the audience from
enables the audience to believe

Harriet Goes to the Movies

We all knew the Mad Hattie liked to read pornography.  But did you know she also liked to watch it?

• "the Devil and Muss Jones make a wonderful pairing" (link)
• "the female protagonist uses a Devil and Miss Jones opening gambit" (link)
• "mindful of the climax in the Devil and Ms. Jones" (link)
• "The Cable Channel and Miss Jones (though the only devil is Jeff)" (link)
• "most exotic dreams this side of Ms. Jones (the devil and not Bridget)" (link)
• "story line will remind fans of the Devil and Miss Jones" (link)
• "the plot will remind older XXX aficionados of the movie The Devil and Ms. Jones" (link)
• "led to the teen meeting thirtyish married "King of Porn" star John Holmes" (link)
• "mindful of Harry Reems' terrific character Dr. Young from Deep Throat (the Lovelace movie not any of the president's men)" (link)
• "mindful of Harry Rheems' "bandaged" character in Deep Throat" (link)
• "I kept expecting him to wear bandages as Dr. Young (Harry Reems) did in Deep Throat" (link)
• "since the classic top ever state seller Deep Throat" (link)
• "Mafia's showing of Deep Throat" (link)
• "Perhaps the most famous porn star of the 1990s perhaps since Deep Throat, Ms. Jameson was a Vegas cheerleader with a cop for a father" (link)

* I am not responsible for any losses of appetite or incidences of illness as a result of readers considering the implications of Hattie's knowledge of or reference to pornography.
** All misspellings and typos are Hattie's, not mine.

ETA: I know Harriet doesn't actually read anything, porno or otherwise...

The One That Got Away

*This is based on the Three Little Pigs*

Once upon a time, there were three Little Publishers. They decided to go to the big city and publish books! They must keep an eye out for new talent and professional reviewers.

The first little publisher went to work for Harle's publishing house. Their foremost reviewer was Harriet Klausner.
 “Why do you send her a massive amount of ARCs?” asked the Little Publisher. 

“Because unlike other reviewers, Harriet automatically gives four/five star reviews,” the editor said.

“But there’s been proof that she doesn't read books!” protested the Little Publisher.

“Oh, we know she doesn't read them, but in this business, a five star review sells books.”

Harriet Klausner mindlessly continued to give four/five star “reviews.” However, she kept on making massive errors in her fake reviews. Readers began to avoid buying Harle’s books because of Harriet. 

One day, Harriet gave the publishing house a ring.

“Little Publisher, Little Publisher, send me more ARCs!” hissed Harriet.

“No, No, by the hair of my chinny chin chin I will not send you more ARCs!”

So Harriet let out a wolfish grin and threatened, “I’ll huff and puff and blow the pages out of this pristine, unread book!”

So she huffed and puffed and blew the pages out of her new, untouched books. Needless to say, she drove the publishing house into the ground.

The second Little Publisher went to work for Simone's publishing house.

“Why do you send Harriet Klausner free books?” asked the Little Publisher

“Because Amazon customers are the biggest idiots. Idiocy sells. I can’t find another reviewer as unethical as Harriet Klausner. A five star review helps sell our books. She would gladly sell her husband down the river in exchange for a free book.”

“But that’s wrong,” mumbled the Little Publisher

“Harriet doesn't have any problem duping customers, so why should we? All we do is send HK free books. I believe in free will. Besides, we don’t send HK as many free books as we used to. There’s a campaign going on at Amazon.com and they’re alerting customers to HK’s fraudulent behavior,” replied the editor.

Meanwhile, Harriet Klausner’s ARCs were dwindling VERY FAST. She needed MORE books to klausner! So she gave Simone's publishing house a ring:

“Little Publisher, Little Publisher, send me more ARCs! Usually the boxes litter all the rooms in my house, including my front yard and the neighbor’s yard, but now I’m down to my last box!” cried Harriet Klausner.

“No, no, not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I’ll not send you more ARCs!”

“Then I’ll huff and puff and blow the pages out of these pristine books!”

So HK huffed and puffed and added the customary relish and blew the pages out of the books! Soon, Harriet drove Simone's publishing house into the ground.

The third Little Publisher decided to self-publish his own book. He’s seen how publishing houses were going bankrupt.  A Mad Woman has been terrorizing the publishing industry lately. The Little Publisher deemed it safer to self-publish.

HK got wind of the self-published book and wanted to fake review it! She had a nose like a Bloodhound when it came to new, unklausnered books! The thought of klausnering new books  was very tantalizing.  Unfortunately, it’s an e-book. How will she reap the monetary benefits of selling it at half.com before the publication date if it’s an e-book? The fraud was in such a pickle! Damn Kindle and iPads! HK hated technology with a vengeance. It's put a crimp in her scheming style.

So she asked Amazon to fork over the Little Pubisher's cell number.

“I want a printed edition of your book.” HK stated.

“And you are...?”

“I am Harriet Klausner. The most sought-after prolific reviewer.”

“Oh, you’re the murderess of the English language and the one who’s been a jinx to publishing houses lately.”

“I’m not here to negotiate. I want you to send a copy of your book to my house or else I’ll huff and puff.”

“Knock yourself out, dahling.”

HK huffed and puffed but she could not blow it in. She tried for hours on end without any success.

So HK decided to use another tactic. She was the Empress of all evil-doings! Surely she could formulate an evil plan.

The next morning, she called the Little Publisher/Author.

“My Hall of Fame badge will help customers buy your book based on my review. According to Amazon, ‘the Hall of Fame honors those who have been highly ranked in previous years.’So I am a legend at Amazon.com, and it would be in the best interest of your career if you send me an ARC so I can review it.”

“No, thanks. Amazon’s system is a joke, and you’re the one who turned it into a laughing stock. I’d rather send a copy of my book to an ape than send it to you. At least it would have a better chance of being read. How? The zoo keeper will read it to the ape.“

The little Publisher’s book became a best-seller and Harriet let out a scream of frustration because she couldn't klausner it! Amazon was no help whatsoever! Huff. So much for being their Queen.  For the rest of her life, Harriet will always remember the one that got away… from her deadly clutches.

The end.

Fraud Hattie March 2013 Stats Update

This is also posted on her latest fake review

Frau Hattie March 2013 Fake Review Stats Update.

Date Fake Reviews . Avg ... YTD ... Votes . Helpful . % . Not Helpful . % . Relish . Fans . Rank AVP's Vine's
Jan 2012 .... 214 ... 6.90 ... 6.90 ... 1044 ... 506 ... 48% ... 538 ... 52% ... 25 ... 2555 .... 873 .... 3 ... 2
Feb 2012 .... 203 ... 7.25 ... 7.08 .... 599 ... 423 ... 71% ... 176 ... 29% ... 16 ... 2555 ... 1053 ... 11 ... 1
Mar 2012 .... 219 ... 7.06 ... 7.07 .... 730 ... 509 ... 70% ... 221 ... 30% ... 17 ... 2555 ... 1069 .... 3 ... 0
Apr 2012 .... 195 ... 6.50 ... 6.93 .... 730 ... 514 ... 70% ... 216 ... 30% ... 15 ... 2555 ... 1077 .... 9 ... 0
May 2012 ... 214 ... 6.90 ... 6.92 .... 733 ... 485 ... 66% ... 248 ... 34% ... 17 ... 2555 ... 1075 .... 4 ... 0
Jun 2012 .... 189 ... 6.30 ... 6.82 .... 646 ... 374 ... 58% ... 272 ... 42% ... 20 ... 2555 ... 1069 .... 7 ... 1
Jul 2012 ..... 215 ... 6.94 ... 6.84 .... 617 ... 358 ... 58% ... 259 ... 42% ... 22 ... 2555 ... 1106 .... 7 ... 6
Aug 2012 ... 213 ... 6.87 ... 6.84 .... 583 ... 310 ... 53% ... 273 ... 47% ... 12 ... 2555 ... 1200 .... 4 ... 2
Sep 2012 ... 200 ... 6.67 ... 6.82 .... 460 ... 246 ... 53% ... 214 ... 47% ..... 9 ... 2592 ... 1266 .... 9 ... 1
Oct 2012 .... 229 ... 7.39 ... 6.88 .... 590 ... 290 ... 49% ... 300 ... 51% ... 23 ... 2606 ... 1375 .... 6 ... 2
Nov 2012 ... 117 ... 3.90 ... 6.61 .... 199 ..... 94 ... 47% ... 105 ... 53% ... 12 ... 2617 ... 1463 .... 4 ... 0
Dec 2012 ..... 72 ... 2.32 ... 6.25 .... 277 ... 106 ... 38% ... 171 ... 62% ..... 3 ... 2633 ... 1666 .... 5 ... 1
Jan 2013 ... 101 ... 3.26 ... 3.26 .... 240 .... 119 ... 50% ... 121 ... 50% ..... 9 ... 2651 ... 1735 .... 3 ... 1
Feb 2013 ..... 91 ... 3.25 ... 3.25 ..... 149 ..... 87 ... 55% ..... 62 ... 45% ..... 7 ... 2666 ... 1779 .... 2 ... 2
Mar 2013 ..... 87 ... 2.81 ... 3.10 ...... 99 ..... 53 ... 54% ..... 46 ... 46% ..... 9 ... 2681 ... 1805 .... 6 ... 2

Tuesday dump day stats:
Fake Reviews Date YTD Tuesday Avg
21 ... 1/1/2013 ... 21.00
14 ... 1/8/2013 ... 17.50
5 ... 1/15/2013 ... 13.33
16 ... 1/22/2013 ... 14.00
27 ... 1/29/2013 ... 16.60
17 ... 2/5/2013 ... 16.67
5 ... 2/12/2013 ... 15.00
7 ... 2/19/2013 ... 14.00
10 ... 2/26/2013 ... 13.56
6 ... 3/5/2013 ... 12.80
3 ... 3/12/2013 ... 11.91
1 ... 3/19/2013 ... 11.00
3 ... 3/26/2013 ... 10.38
3 ... 4/2/2013 ... 9.86

Fake Reviews for 2013
101 fake reviews in Jan 2013 3.26 per day 3.26 YTD 5.91 Overall 28503 Reviews to date
91 fake reviews in Feb 2013 3.25 per day 3.25 YTD 5.90 Overall 28594 Reviews to date
87 fake reviews in Mar 2013 2.81 per day 3.10 YTD 5.88 Overall 28681 Reviews to date
7 fake reviews in Apr 2013 3.50 per day 3.11 YTD 5.88 Overall 28688 Reviews to date