Mid-Month Fraud Hattie Stats Update

Also posted on Fraud Hatties latest fake review

Time for another mid-month stats update:

Date Fake Reviews . Avg ... YTD ... Votes . Helpful . % . Not Helpful . % . Relish . Fans . Rank
Jan 2012 .... 214 ... 6.90 ... 6.90 ... 1044 ... 506 ... 48% ... 538 ... 52% ... 25 ... 2555 .... 873
Feb 2012 .... 203 ... 7.25 ... 7.08 .... 599 ... 423 ... 71% ... 176 ... 29% ... 16 ... 2555 ... 1053
Mar 2012 .... 219 ... 7.06 ... 7.07 .... 730 ... 509 ... 70% ... 221 ... 30% ... 17 ... 2555 ... 1069
Apr 2012 .... 195 ... 6.50 ... 6.93 .... 730 ... 514 ... 70% ... 216 ... 30% ... 15 ... 2555 ... 1077
May 2012 ... 214 ... 6.90 ... 6.92 .... 733 ... 485 ... 66% ... 248 ... 34% ... 17 ... 2555 ... 1075
Jun 2012 .... 189 ... 6.30 ... 6.82 .... 646 ... 374 ... 58% ... 272 ... 42% ... 20 ... 2555 ... 1069
Jul 2012 ..... 215 ... 6.94 ... 6.84 .... 617 ... 358 ... 58% ... 259 ... 42% ... 22 ... 2555 ... 1106
Aug 2012 ... 213 ... 6.87 ... 6.84 .... 583 ... 310 ... 53% ... 273 ... 47% ... 12 ... 2555 ... 1200
Sep 2012 ... 200 ... 6.67 ... 6.82 .... 460 ... 246 ... 53% ... 214 ... 47% ..... 9 ... 2592 ... 1266
Oct 2012 .... 229 ... 7.39 ... 6.88 .... 590 ... 290 ... 49% ... 300 ... 51% ... 23 ... 2606 ... 1375
Nov 2012 ... 117 ... 3.90 ... 6.61 .... 199 ..... 94 ... 47% ... 105 ... 53% ... 12 ... 2617 ... 1463
Dec 2012 ..... 72 ... 2.32 ... 6.25 .... 277 ... 106 ... 38% ... 171 ... 62% ..... 3 ... 2633 ... 1666
Jan 2013 ... 101 ... 3.26 ... 3.26 .... 181 ..... 91 ... 50% ..... 90 ... 50% ..... 9 ... 2651 ... 1735
Feb 2013 ..... 43 ... 1.54 ... 2.40 ..... 23 ..... 18 ... 78% ....... 5 ... 22% ..... 1 ... 2656 ... 1734

43 fake reviews this month, and, we have our usual motionless fans/etc:
"Still series fans will enjoy"
"Still everyone joins"
"Still readers will enjoy"
"Still they fall in love"
"Still with her repressed memory"

and the ever so popular "fast-paced" and "action-packed":
"exciting action-packed thriller"
"Action-packed with newcomers"
"Action-packed, fans will enjoy"
"Action-packed, readers will relish" mmmm, relish!

and the not so popular, but, often used "never slows down"
"Dee thinks with his lower head and never slows down"
"Fast-paced from the opening seduction and never slowing down until the final confrontation"
"adopt them and never slows down until a final confrontation with a nice twist"
"to investigate his sister's murder and never slows down"
"The storyline is fast-paced from the moment Cara returns to Santa Lacuna and never slows down especially when they enter "paradise"."

Readers and fans also played a nice roll in her 43 fake reviews:
"Readers will enjoy"
"This reprint reminds readers"
"as readers learn much"
"Though readers will figure out"
"readers will enjoy the lad's living"
"readers will enjoy"
"Readers will wonder who"
"readers obtain a deep look"
"Still readers will enjoy this dangerous"
"young readers and us geriatric boomers will need deep concentration"
"Readers will enjoy"
"Readers will enjoy the triangle"
"readers will enjoy this tense thriller"
"Fast-paced, readers will enjoy learning of"
"Readers will enjoy this scrumptious"
"readers feeling they are on"
"readers will appreciate this terrific"
"readers will enjoy"
"stun readers because"
"readers will appreciate"
"readers will relish the"
"Readers will enjoy their"
"Fans who prefer intense"
"Series fans will have mixed"
"fans will appreciate"
"Still series fans will enjoy"
"Series fans will enjoy the superb"
"as fans will believe they are"
"die, fans will enjoy"
"Fans of ancient detective tales will appreciate"
"shtick, fans will enjoy this amateur"
"Action-packed, fans will enjoy following"
"driven, fans will root for the doctor"
"encounter, fans will enjoy"
"Sub-genre fans will appreciate"
"lot, fans will enjoy this entreating"
"Contemporary fans will enjoy this warm"
"fans will enjoy the fast-paced"
"her fans struggling"
"fans will enjoy visiting"

All this from this months 43 fake reviews of books that Fraud Hattie didi not read.

eta: Just thought I'd throw in some "audience" action:
"Iscariot will leave the audience to wonder"
"grips the audience with more"
"sleuth audience will enjoy"
"encouraging the audience to look"
"chase storyline engages the audience"

Another Author commenting on Hattie's fake reviews

"I'm the author of this book; and I have to say, although I'm flattered that Ms Klausner gave it 5 stars...I have to agree with the comments so far. From what she wrote above, I don't think she read it. Honestly, it's just not good to do this. It doesn't help me, or other authors or other readers. It just corrupts the reviewing process on Amazon, which is really too bad. You can like Villa Triste or not ( I hope you do) but the facts matter. The portions that take place during The War, are based on in-depth research. The sisters are based on real people. Isabella, for instance, is a member of GAP, the urban branch of the Italian Partisan Movement. They're not 'supporting efforts to get the Germans out of Villa Triste'. It was the Fascist and Gestapo HQ, so that would be rather pointless. Over a quarter of the members of the Partisan Movement were women; this is only a portion of their stories, but hopefully it is an accurate portrayal. And, incidentally, just to clarify: Villa Triste is not a re-issue. It was published by MacMillan in London in 2010, then by MacArthur in Canada. This is the first US publication, although bootleg and foreign copies have been available on this site and others for a while. I agree with the person below who suggests that you read the reviews attached to those editions. They seem to have been written by people who actually read the book, and will probably give you a better idea as to whether or not you might like to read it. And, Ms Klausner, if I've offended you, I'm very sorry; but I don't think you should review books you haven't read. It doesn't do anyone any good. I hope if you actually read The Villa Triste, that you'll enjoy it. I wrote it to be as much of a novel as a thriller, since the 'who done it' is, I believe, in many ways less central than the 'why'. If anyone else who's actually read it would like to post a review, that would be nice. "

link to the fake review

Another Story

This is based on the Tortoise and the Hare fable:

Once upon a time in AmazonLand, there was an illiterate witch named Harriet Klausner who boasted that she’s the speediest reader on earth. “It’s incomprehensible to me that people read only one book a week! “she sneered. “I can read 20 books per hour and I’ve never been beaten! HA!” The witch’s taunts and maniacal laughter echoed through AmazonLand. The misguided despot who ruled this land awarded the witch with the #1 Hall of Fame Badge.

The Amazonians were flooded with rage! They have grown fed up of the witch’s lies and condescending behavior. One Amazonian in particular named Peter Younge challenged the witch. “I challenge you to read and review this book,” he gestured to the hardback book gripped in his hand.  “My only condition is that you don't have any access to the internet nor the dust jacket.”

Harriet’s face drained of color. Her pointy hat drooped. Her green skin turned a fine shade of vomit. “Fine,” she stammered.  “Just so you know, I am the speediest reader the world has ever known! A gift I was born with. You don’t stand a chance,” she said with false bravado.  

“Whatever,” Peter Younge said. "I have appointed Cindy as the judge, seeing how she has read this book from cover to cover. So the winner will be the person who gets the plot and the characters’ names right. So let the fun and your epic humiliation begin!”

The race began. Harriet Klausner fretted. She has always depended on Publishers Weekly and other assorted sites to help with her fake reviews. She glanced at Peter, who was flipping through the pages slowly. She turned back to her book. “So this is how a book feels like,” she mused. “I’ve never felt its solidness in my hands. Well, except for Stanley’s banana. Or was it Mikey’s? Crap, I’ve got to focus here! How am I going to win this contest?! I can’t understand half of the words on the first page!” she thought miserably.  

Harriet attempted to skim through the pages, but she wasn’t any closer to understanding the storyline. “Perhaps I should call my dependable trolls. I’m sure one of the publishers has sent an Advanced Reader’s Copy of this drivel.” 

 Harriet snaked her hand surreptitiously to her pointy hat, where she had her cell phone stashed.  A disembodied voice made her freeze. “You’re not allowed to use cell phones during this contest,” Cindy‘s voice boomed over the speakers. “Rats!” Harriet hissed. Her eyes began to fill with tears as soon as she noticed that Peter Younge was halfway through the book! “Who knew that witches could cry?” Harriet thought morosely. 

Visions of a sprawling estate, pristine broomsticks, and a brand new shiny cauldron came to an end. She put her wart-covered hands to her face and wept. Two hours later, Harriet awoke to the clickety clack sound of the keyboard. Peter Younge was busy typing his review! Harriet quickly grabbed her cellphone and Googled Publishers Weekly. “Somebody stop her!” The Amazonians cried in unison. Harriet quickly copied and pasted the review, spelling/grammar mistakes and all. “I am the #1 Hall of Fame reviewer! I am the speediest reader on earth!” she chanted breathlessly!  Despite Harriet’s efforts, Peter Younge submitted his review first.

“It appears that Peter Younge has won this contest,” Cindy said happily. The Amazonians cheered and applauded loudly. “Honesty is a virtue!” Krissy Larsen cried from the throng.

But, but..,” Harriet spluttered. “I have written my review!”  

“Your review isn’t a review. It’s a plagiarized synopsis that is filled with errors. Plus, there is no mention of euphemistic cherries and sausages in this book!” Cindy replied.

Peter looked at the wicked witch straight in the eye and said, "You should try a phenomenal activity called  READING. It enables a person to write a real review."

The End.

Authors Support Harriet Klausner (Sort Of...)

Harriet Klausner has become quite the popular topic in the blogosphere since the New York Times article last month.  I recently came across blog posts from two authors whom Harriet has "reviewed," and I thought I'd pass them along (with comments, of course).

From Tara Taylor Quinn

My favorite part is the following: "The review was…well, it made me feel really good as I’m staring down a daunting deadline."

I like how she doesn't actually say what she thought of the review.  Which contained factual inaccuracies, by the way, that I could figure out from reading the book jacket.  Harriet was really phoning it in on that one.

Then, however, those of us who comment on reviews over at Amazon.com got singled out for being mean.

Here is another quote from the linked-to piece by Ms. Quinn:

And then I noticed nine comments to the review.  Not review of the book, but comments on the review.  They were horrible.  Not directed at me but at Harriet.  They called her a machine.  They were mean to the point of vicious.  They claimed that she didn’t read the books she reviews.  And I have no idea where this wrath is coming from!  Is Harriet still around and reading a book or more a day as she used to do and people just don’t get it?  Or has someone made some software that puts drones out to latch onto book titles and post some generic review to it under Harriet’s name?

Regardless, why would people need to go on my book page and comment on a review?  What does it matter to them what anyone says about my book?

First of all, these comments were pretty tame, by our standards.  Second, they were taken out of context.  Anyone who actually follows the comments on Harriet's reviews will recognize the banter that goes on among our little community of Harriet fans (and I use that term only in the Amazon sense of people who can't vote on her "reviews" anymore).

And yeah, Harriet doesn't read the books she reviews.  It's not possible to read an average of 7 books a day for 11 years straight, let alone comprehend all of these books and paste a mangled book description on Amazon.  Where's the time for cooking and cleaning, for interacting with family, for sleeping, for grocery shopping, for listing the unread books on half.com, for trips to the post office to mail off the unread books to half.com customers, for showering and other personal grooming, etc.?

As for why it matters to people what anyone says about a book?  That's what a review is FOR.  It's there so people can make decisions about what to purchase.  A review might be the deciding factor, especially when one is considering an author one hasn't read before.  And if the review is bogus, people ought to be forewarned.

As for being called "wrathful," well, we've been accused of having rage before.  (Check out the hidden comment on the second page.)  Couldn't be further from the truth.  We're actually a well-adjusted bunch of people who have hobbies, jobs, and lives.  We just happen to think that honesty is a virtue worth preserving.  And sure, we vent our frustration with humor sometimes, but that's healthier than some of the alternatives.

Here's one from Rachel Neumeier

A quote:

Well, her reviews make it perfectly clear that she really did read the Griffin trilogy, and since I know *I* didn’t pay her for those reviews, my guess is, she REALLY DOES read roughly a zillion books a day. I’m glad I don’t read that fast, as how could you linger over a book long enough to actually enjoy it if you read half a dozen per day?

Rachel, no one is accusing you of paying HK for the reviews.  We are accusing your publisher of sending her advance review copies (which she did not disclose, as required by FTC guidelines).  I refer you to the numbers in the earlier section of this post.  She does not read seven books a day.  I doubt she reads one book a day.

I checked out the Klausner "review" of one of your books.  A book which I have read, by the way.  The "review" contains nothing but plot summary which could have been obtained from anywhere -- the Publishers Weekly review (if there was one), the book description on Amazon, the book jacket, or publicity materials from your publisher -- and a few generic comments about worldbuilding and the villain that really could have been applied to any other book Harriet has "reviewed" in her tenure at Amazon.  Ah, once we were all so naïve as this author.

At least Ms. Neumeier realizes that there is no joy in sitting there, flipping pages and "speed reading."  (Claims of which I simply don't believe.  I saw a demo on television once.  The guy couldn't go any more into depth than the information contained in the back cover blurb of the book he supposedly read.  He was unable to answer any specific questions about the content.  Because you can't absorb the content by only flipping pages.)

The Anti-Literature Killer! - Review by Harriet Klausner

The Anti-Literature Killer!

Offered by Sara Digital Sales, Inc.

Price: TBD

0 of 324 people found the following review helpful

***** super serial killer thriller, January 26, 2013

This review is from: The Anti-Literature Killer! (HKAS Edition)

A murderer in rural Georgia appears to be targeting book lovers.   The crimes are extraordinarily brutal and the media has nicknamed the murderer the Anti-Literature Killer.  When another killing takes place in a local bookstore the FBI’s Behavioral and Analysis Unit sends in its top profiler to investigate the case.  The victim, a tourist from Arizona, was bludgeoned in the head with an obviously unread book; the title of which has no relevance to the plot at all.

Profiler Malleus spends his time flashing his badge and donning the ubiquitous gloves he appears to have a fetish for wearing.   The local female gendarme admires his style and wonders what other, more intimate, articles of clothing might be of interest to his lower head.   L.Donner, the coroner, exams the body and states the obvious.   Along with a blow to the head, the upper head he notes as the victim is a female, the eyes have been gouged out.       

The author’s first book is a taut, terrifying thriller.  The multilevel, morbid mystery features a glove wearing protagonist who keeps his hands to himself enabling him to deal with a large cast of women who are either victims, witnesses, perpetually disheveled or living with cats. The storyline grips the reader from the moment the latest murder victim is found dead.  As the search for a madwoman obsessed with relish heats up the secondary characters, particularly a hot doc whose moniker is Gorilla, will delight sub gene fans attracted to oddly named characters and five star reviews.  

Harriet Klausner

The Anti-Literature Killer!

2013 – Georgia. A rash of murders rocked Atlanta City. A serial killer targeted readers. Readers had to resort to reading inside their closet out of fear of getting their eyes gouged by the unknown murderer! The media dubbed the murderer as the Anti-Literature Killer! The killer left a newly released hardback book at the crime scenes.  FBI’s Behavioral and Analysis Unit sent its top profiler in order to investigate the case. His name was Malleus. Upon his arrival, another murder took place inside a local bookstore. He hailed a cab and made a beeline for the crime scene. Malleus flashed his badge to the uniform manning the scene and donned his gloves. The stench of death enveloped him. “I hope we catch this SOB,” he thought grimly.

Who’s the victim?” Malleus asked the detective at the scene.

“The vic’s a tourist from Arizona. Her name was Embee,” Beachmama said. The body was found a couple of hours ago by the proprietors. Their names are Dona And Strong Cofee Lover. The poor women are in shock.”

Malleus nodded and walked over to L.Donner, the coroner, who was busy examining the body

“So what’s the cause of death?”  

“The cause of death appears to be a head trauma. Looks like our perpetrator whacked her over the head with this hardback book.”  

Who would do such a thing?” Beachmama cried.

A sick, twisted psycho,” Malleus replied grimly. The sickos are rampant. I’ve seen many unusual crimes during my years with the Bureau, but man, I’ve never seen anything quite like this!”

“So what about the eyes?”  Malleus asked L.Donner

 “it was post-mortem. Just like the other victims.”

Malleus glanced to his right. On the wall, were the words, “stop reding” scrawled in blood.  “Looks like our perp was never in a Spelling Bee competition.”

“Man, who doesn’t know how to spell reading? My cat is a better speller.” Beachmama said.

My guess is that our perp has a deep-seated inferiority complex about reading and comprehension. It looks like he – or she, received poor education.”

Beachmama’s cell phone chirped. She glanced at the LED screen and it was Alan James.

“There’s a witness who says that she’s escaped the perp’s clutches. Somehow she made it to a store. The clerk, whose name is Buck210 said that he was just closing up, when he saw a disheveled woman running up to him. She told him that she needed a phone to call the cops. Right after that, she lost consciousness. She’s at Charlton Memorial Hospital.”

“I’m on my way,” Beachmama replied.

At the hospital, Beachmama and Malleus ran to the ICU. They flashed their badges to the hospital staff. Malleus walked to the doctor, Guy the Gorilla, and asked, “Is she stable?”

“Yes, but she’s lost an awful amount of blood. Whoever’s done this to her had pumped her body with relish.”

“When can we speak to her?” Beachmama asked.

“You may speak to her now, but only for a few minutes.”

Malleus and Beachmama gently walked up to the foot of the bed, where Sneaky was resting.

“Hello, this is agent Beachmama and I’m agent Malleus. I know this is hard, but we would like to ask you a few questions, if you’re up for it.”

“Yes, it’s OK. I want you to catch this madwoman as soon as possible.”

“Did you say a woman?” Beachmama asked.

“Yes. She was absolutely crazy! She tied to me a chair and began ranting incoherently about relish, readers, still fans, tsuris, over the Mount of … I don’t recall exactly. I began to tune her out after that.”

“What about relish?”

“She kept feeding me relish. When I refused, she pumped that stuff in me!” Sneaky cried.

“What else do you remember?”

"I was in a dank basement. There were these elves that were busy at work. This madwoman was barking orders at them to finish plagiarizing the reviews from Publishers weekly. I heard snippets of “Amazon” and “reviews.” '

“How did she kidnap you?” Malleus asked.

“I was at the park walking my three month old puppy. I sat on a bench and began checking out the books at Amazon.com. Then all of a sudden, this woman with wild hair and red-rimmed eyes  appeared out of nowhere and began screaming at me to log out. She reeked of relish.”

“Then…” Beachmama prompted

“Then when I ignored her, she fished a book from her bag. It looked like the latest release by a well-known author. It was in hardback. And she whacked me over the head.” Sneaky gingerly touched the bruise atop her head. “Then I came to in the basement.”

Malleus’s eyebrows shot up. He glanced at Beachmama questioningly. He steered her away from Sneaky and said, “For a person who can’t spell and is clearly illiterate, she sure carries a lot of new releases.”

“That’s for sure,"Beachmama muttered.

They went back to Sneaky.

“How did you escape?”

This madwoman seemed to be very preoccupied with getting the reviews into Amazon’s system. So then I took the opportunity to climb out through the window.”

“Thank you for answering our questions, Sneaky. You have been helpful. If we have any further questions, we will be in touch.” Malleus said.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Beachmama grabbed Malleus by the shoulders.
“I think I know who the manwoman is!” Beachmama said excitedly

“Who?”

There’s only one woman who fits that description and it’s Harriet Klausner. The so-called #1 Hall of Fame Reviewer. I’ve always known she was a fraud, but a killer! Wow.”  Beachmama let out a low whistle.

“OK. From my experience with women is that they’re highly intuitive, so I’ll go with your theory. Let’s call for backup.”

 

Epilogue:

In the days that followed Harriet Klausner’s arrest, the media outlets all across the USA spiraled into a frenzy. The press ran the headline; “The Anti-Literature Killer is Amazon’s #1 Hall of Fame reviewer!”  Meanwhile, Amazon refused to comment on Harriet Klausner and her 28,000+ fake reviews. Amazon’s reticence fueled the speculation among the fine citizens of Georgia, and the entire United States of America. Sneaky Burrito was recovering from her ordeal and can even read a book without suffering a panic attack. In an interview she said, “I am glad this whole nightmare is behind us and readers can enjoy reading without looking behind their shoulders.”

 

The End.

 

 

Here ya' go Sara...hope this works!

SALAD DAZE (BASED ON A TRUE STORY)

It was a dark and stormy night. Inside a cozy (albeit cluttered) little ranch house in Morrow Georgia lived Mr. and Mrs Klausner.  Harriet Klausner was a little bored so she decided to spice things up a bit.  Donning her skin-tight hot pink sweat pants and matching sweatshirt (which had "I love a good salad" on the front spelled out with cucumber and asparagus letters) she sashayed up to her hubby Stan.  "Hey baby," she purred, " wanna play 'vegetable garden'?

You can be the rake and I'll be the hoe.  I'll even call you 'Mikey' if you like!". 

Stan, sitting in his purple velour La-Z-Boy,  took a swig of his Coors Light and said, "ah shuddup and go review a book."  Crushed but undaunted, Harriet suggested they rent some porn.  After another long drink of beer Stanley/Mikey reminded her of what happened the LAST time she went to Red Box for a porn flick.  "It turned out to be some boring '80's movie with a bunch of British guys running in slow motion." Harriet, pouting, said ,"well anyone could have made the same mistake.  I thought it was called 'CHERRIES of Fire.'".   

Stan reclined the La-Z-Boy and turned up the t.v. volume.   After all,  pink sweats (even skin-tight ones), porn  and veggies really couldn't compete with monster trucks and combine demolition derby.  

So in the end Stan opened another can of Coors and Harriet consoled herself with seven or eight Harlequin romance novels.  

The End.