Monday, January 28, 2013

Another Story

This is based on the Tortoise and the Hare fable:

Once upon a time in AmazonLand, there was an illiterate witch named Harriet Klausner who boasted that she’s the speediest reader on earth. “It’s incomprehensible to me that people read only one book a week! “she sneered. “I can read 20 books per hour and I’ve never been beaten! HA!” The witch’s taunts and maniacal laughter echoed through AmazonLand. The misguided despot who ruled this land awarded the witch with the #1 Hall of Fame Badge.
The Amazonians were flooded with rage! They have grown fed up of the witch’s lies and condescending behavior. One Amazonian in particular named Peter Younge challenged the witch. “I challenge you to read and review this book,” he gestured to the hardback book gripped in his hand.  “My only condition is that you don't have any access to the internet nor the dust jacket.”
Harriet’s face drained of color. Her pointy hat drooped. Her green skin turned a fine shade of vomit. “Fine,” she stammered.  “Just so you know, I am the speediest reader the world has ever known! A gift I was born with. You don’t stand a chance,” she said with false bravado.  
“Whatever,” Peter Younge said. "I have appointed Cindy as the judge, seeing how she has read this book from cover to cover. So the winner will be the person who gets the plot and the characters’ names right. So let the fun and your epic humiliation begin!”
The race began. Harriet Klausner fretted. She has always depended on Publishers Weekly and other assorted sites to help with her fake reviews. She glanced at Peter, who was flipping through the pages slowly. She turned back to her book. “So this is how a book feels like,” she mused. “I’ve never felt its solidness in my hands. Well, except for Stanley’s banana. Or was it Mikey’s? Crap, I’ve got to focus here! How am I going to win this contest?! I can’t understand half of the words on the first page!” she thought miserably.  
Harriet attempted to skim through the pages, but she wasn’t any closer to understanding the storyline. “Perhaps I should call my dependable trolls. I’m sure one of the publishers has sent an Advanced Reader’s Copy of this drivel.” 

 Harriet snaked her hand surreptitiously to her pointy hat, where she had her cell phone stashed.  A disembodied voice made her freeze. “You’re not allowed to use cell phones during this contest,” Cindy‘s voice boomed over the speakers. “Rats!” Harriet hissed. Her eyes began to fill with tears as soon as she noticed that Peter Younge was halfway through the book! “Who knew that witches could cry?” Harriet thought morosely. 
Visions of a sprawling estate, pristine broomsticks, and a brand new shiny cauldron came to an end. She put her wart-covered hands to her face and wept. Two hours later, Harriet awoke to the clickety clack sound of the keyboard. Peter Younge was busy typing his review! Harriet quickly grabbed her cellphone and Googled Publishers Weekly. “Somebody stop her!” The Amazonians cried in unison. Harriet quickly copied and pasted the review, spelling/grammar mistakes and all. “I am the #1 Hall of Fame reviewer! I am the speediest reader on earth!” she chanted breathlessly!  Despite Harriet’s efforts, Peter Younge submitted his review first.
“It appears that Peter Younge has won this contest,” Cindy said happily. The Amazonians cheered and applauded loudly. “Honesty is a virtue!” Krissy Larsen cried from the throng.
But, but..,” Harriet spluttered. “I have written my review!”  
“Your review isn’t a review. It’s a plagiarized synopsis that is filled with errors. Plus, there is no mention of euphemistic cherries and sausages in this book!” Cindy replied.
Peter looked at the wicked witch straight in the eye and said, "You should try a phenomenal activity called  READING. It enables a person to write a real review."
The End.

1 comment:

Sneaky Burrito said...

Great job, again!

I particularly like how you work in the themes from some of the recent comments on HK reviews, but also how well your adaptation fits with the original story.

I've been thinking of trying my hand at some Klausner-inspired fiction, but I don't have any good ideas yet. (Also, I am a novelist at heart and that means that when I write fiction, I write 100,000 words and edit it for a year before submitting it. Maybe I should just stick to commenting on Hattie's grammar and leave the stories to you, Sara!)