Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Harriet's Grocery List

This is for all the people out there who have made New Year's resolutions to lose weight and are starting to doubt if they'll be able to stick with them.  (By which I mean that you'll never want to eat again after reading this...)
  • Bananas and cherries: "Though he believes that Skye is after his banana, he rejects her because he plans to marry someone else. However, as Skye and Clint become more familiar with one another both reconsider their previous positions and now they want his banana and her cherry married, but must persuade the other that their respective fruit is passion."
  • Bananas (again): "The fun storyline is an overused theme yet Christie Craig provides a fast-paced tale starring two protagonists battling over banana sandwiches while falling in love."  (If you don't get this one, look up "banana sandwich" on Urban Dictionary.  Or don't.  You've been warned.)
  • Chocolate, honey, and cherries: "Readers will appreciate this XXX amusing chase in which the heroine dangles her chocolate coated cherry at a hero who salivates for a dip in the honey pot, but tries to avoid his and her desires."
  • Cherries (again): "He took her cherry, but dumped her with no explanation."
  • Cherries (yet again): " She would loathe her sex life, but that has been non-existent for fifteen years since she lost her cherry in the back of Barry's pick-up truck."
  • Honey (again): "The women with his one dip into their honey pot are deemed ready for marriage, but he must remain alone and aloof."
  • Melons: "In Vancouver Sophie Kintock can not believe that her boyfriend of six years, anal Doug Chase, dumped her for a tall blond bimbo Melanie the melons." 
  • Honey, vinegar, cucumbers, and hot peppers:"She decides to try honey instead of vinegar; red hot pepper instead of cold cucumber."
  • Nuts: "However, the opportunity eventually arrives when her former commander General Barnes needs her help at the Santa Fe Film Festival to protect spoiled film star Marisa Connors, who Cleo knows as a pit-bull with nuts caught in an animal trap; Alex heads the gala which includes a North Korean communications expert that the military wants on their side." 
  • Sausage: "In Skagway, she made friends with Keenan Crawford the butcher, but fled when her groom tried to rape her; she muses he can stuff his sausage elsewhere."
  • Meat: "In England Paul Mackrell wants to be considered a serious writer, but his addiction to cyber sex induced serial masturbation leaves no blood for his other head to write with; in other words even when he is not beating the meat he suffers from writer's block."
  • Buns and pumpkin pie: "Each contains reasonably solid lead characters like Carol Curley Locks wanting a commitment from her hot boyfriend who hides his heated darkness from her, Peter giving new meaning to eating pumpkin pie, Georgie wanting more than just stealing kisses and Marcie understanding the true meaning of hot buns, etc."
  • Asparagus: "This compilation is fun, well written while readers gain insight into the "oddments from the mind" of a writer who makes his personal look at life a lot more interesting than canned asparagus (think what those shoots look like) or is it spinach?"
  • Carrots, chocolate, and strawberries: "Adding to her chagrin every step forward is two giant steps backward as he seems to regress with the only carrot to modify his behavior is sharing his bed; the only thing in her mind (and body) better than chocolate strawberries."
  • Pretzels: "The first Soulfire jocular urban fantasy is an over top satire that hilariously lampoons the sub-genre (including Stephanie Rowe's own comedic Goblet of Eternal Youth tales - you will never look at a pretzel the same way) with amazing cross-breeding species, killing star-crossed lovers and trained killer warriors relaxing with knitting."
I have no doubt there are more, by my mind is nowhere near as dirty as Harriet's.  Maybe we'd all be better off subsisting on a diet of RELISH.

7 comments:

Dona said...

Well done, Sneaky!
Canned asparagus?... wow.
Thanks.

Malleus said...

Jayzus, that's some elegant variation we have here! I've never noticed that Hurried Klausner has so many euphemisms for um... that thing. All we've ever noticed before was Krapusner's famed metaphors of "lower head" and "third leg". And lookey here what riches we've been unaware of, wow, great job, Sneaky Burrito!

Deborah Hern said...

I'm not sure how, but I think my brain just threw up.

Chick Pilot said...

SALAD DAZE (BASED ON A TRUE STORY)

It was a dark and stormy night. Inside a cozy (albeit cluttered) little ranch house in Morrow, Georgia lived Mr. and Mrs Klausner.  Harriet Klausner was a little bored so she decided to spice things up a bit.  Donning her skin-tight hot pink sweat pants and matching sweatshirt (which had "I love a good salad" on the front spelled out with cucumber and asparagus letters) she sashayed up to her hubby Stan.  "Hey baby," she purred, " wanna play 'vegetable garden'?You can be the rake and I'll be the hoe.  I'll even call you 'Mikey' if you like!". 

Stan, sitting in his purple velour La-Z-Boy,  took a swig of his Coors Light and said, "ah shuddup and go review a book."  Crushed but undaunted, Harriet suggested they rent some porn.  After another long drink of beer Stanley/Mikey reminded her of what happened the LAST time she went to Red Box for a porn flick.  "It turned out to be some boring '80's movie with a bunch of British guys running in slow motion." Harriet, pouting, said ,"well anyone could have made the same mistake.  I thought it was called 'CHERRIES of Fire.'".   

Stan reclined the La-Z-Boy and turned up the t.v. volume.   After all,  pink sweats (even skin-tight ones), porn  and veggies really couldn't compete with monster trucks and combine demolition derby.  

So in the end Stan opened another can of Coors and Harriet consoled herself with seven or eight Harlequin romance novels.  

The End.



Sara said...

Sneaky, I LOVE IT, or in Hattie's lingo, I relished it! Superb job! I can't look at food in the same way again. I hope there aren't any pineapples in her grocery list, because I don't want to swear them off! It's a good thing that I wasn't snacking mid-read, otherwise I would've surely puked.

Chick Pilot: I absolutely LOVE your short story! You should post it on the main page.

Sara said...

Sneaky, I LOVE IT, or in Hattie's lingo, I relished it! Superb job! I can't look at food in the same way again. I hope there aren't any pineapples in her grocery list, because I don't want to swear them off! It's a good thing that I wasn't snacking mid-read, otherwise I would've surely puked.

Chick Pilot: I absolutely LOVE your short story! You should post it on the main page.

Sneaky Burrito said...

Sara:

Harriet only mentions pineapple twice, and not in any sort of disgusting euphemistic context:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/community-content-search/results?ie=UTF8&flatten=1&query=customer%3A%20AFVQZQ8PW0L%20pineapple&search-alias=community-reviews

So I think you're safe.

Thanks, everyone, for your compliments.

Chick Pilot, great story.