Saturday, January 12, 2013

Harriet Klausner's Revenge!

In a galaxy far, far away, a creepy-looking alien was plotting the mass annihilation of literature. Its thoughts drifted back to the time when it was hastily shoved into a space shuttle. Its parents discovered that they were being persecuted for siphoning words from text books and regurgitating them into bowls of soup. They enjoyed the gibberish words that formed in the bowls of soup. As a result, library books held scores of blank pages! Retailers everywhere went bankrupt! The masses were indignant and demanded the execution of the perpetrators! The alien vowed to seek vengeance on the humans, particularly readers for slaughtering her `rents! They have taught her so much about indecency and fraud - she must carry out their legacy!

One day, she learned through one of her clairvoyant visions that Amazon was the largest online retailer on earth. The alien's powers could only influence humans that were amoral and had relish with their hotdogs! So she named herself Harriet Klausner and steered her fast-paced space shuttle to earth and landed ingloriously naked, reminiscent of The Terminator. Unlike the Terminator's vessel, the alien's vessel was a shuddering sight! Her super-speedy electro-magnetic field affected males' lower-heads everywhere! The nation suffered a case of impotence upon her arrival! She caused impotence within a 30 mile radius. This led to the unplanned exodus of Americans.

After terrorizing a homeless man into giving her his clothes (she must adapt to the human way of life), she teleported to Amazon and hypnotized all of its trolls in order to make them do her dirty bidding! The first order of business was the removal of the 1,2 ,3 stars in a review!
"They must become obsolete!" HK muttered. "My fake reviews are all 4 and 5 stars!"

She took over the website like a tsunami and began to post a gazillion fake reviews! She particularly loved posting fake reviews on erotica. Even though she didn't generate any feelings from her upper head down to her gnarled toes, she experienced something similar to sexual pleasure whenever she made a lower-head shrink in revulsion. It didn't require talent or super powers; HK was a natural at repelling men's third-leg.

Meanwhile, a group called the Anti-HK-Fraud-Society was formed. They were immune to Harriet's powers and vowed to take her down! They found out that the only way to kill it is to cut off its relish supply! HK cannot go a day without relish. By midnight, the group slipped into Amazon's inner sanctum and saw a sight that made them swear off relish indefinitely! HK was sucking relish from her toenails!
"Mmmmm RELISHHH," she moaned in ecstasy.

After recovering from their shock, Buck210 said, "Turn off the relish-making machine!"

Embee sprinted to the machine and flipped off the switch, but to her horror, HK didn't explode!

"Shoot for its limbs! In the Dead Space franchise, Isaac Clarke had to cut off the alien's limbs! It's the only way to kill it! Alan James shouted.

"It's bad enough we got to read her fake reviews, now we must cut off its limbs. Eww!"Dona said.

"What if it bleeds relish and it doesn't remain as still as her fans and readers?" piped L. Donner.

"I think it's the books! Coherent words act like poison in her system so we must force her to read! It's worth a shot! Quick, tie her up!" Sneaky exclaimed. "And it's less messier than cutting off its limbs, she added.

"I'll do it," Mr. J Ryden said.

After tying her up, Beachmama grabbed a book and tried to force Harriet to read the first page!
"Read you dumb twit, READ!", she yelled! After a long pause, Beachmama smacked HK over the head with the book."I've always wanted to do that," she admitted.

"This isn't getting us anywhere, " Strong Coffe Lover bemoaned. "Harriet's trolls will seize us any minute now!"

"We've come this far - we shouldn't give up now! I've always dreamed of vanquishing this charlatan and I won't go down without a fight!" THE TRUTH said.

"How about we READ a passage? Surely it will work. HK has waged war against the English language, so listening to a passage would likely have the same effect." MJN76 offered quietly.

"For a potent effect, let's read a book for the sub-genre fans! N.Brett said.

"I'll do it," GTG said. He took the book from Beachmama and began to read, HK style. He took a deep breath and zipped through the passage without stopping at any commas, semi-colons, or periods. The fast-paced, non-stop torture caused HK's artificial brain to explode into smithereens, over the top of Mt. FraudHattie!

HK's brain made a GUUURGGLE sound - the relish shot from her head like a cork!
"EWWWW, " they all yelled in unison.

"Run for cover!" Cindy yelled!

The group ducked behind the teetering, towering 28,000+ books.

"At least the new, non-read books served as a shelter from the onslaught of regurgitated brain relish, "Embee said dryly.

"And look! "THE SYSTEM OVERLOAD" message has stopped blinking! Joe Zika enthused.

The group whooped in joy at the realization that the alien and its 28,000+ fake reviews were gone! The reign of literature terror by this Crass and Crude Charlatan was over! FINALLY!

As the victorious group walked away together, an HK troll tiptoed to the grisly scene. He stuck his hand into the splattered brain mass comprised of gibberish, relish and more gibberish and retrieved a chip. He decided to salvage the data and then create a time travel machine so he could bring HK back!

To be continued....


Malleus said...

You have a literary gift — please write more. I love your little vignettes on Amazon. Especially the poetry! Make sure you keep a copy as we will at some point issue a collection.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Malleus! I'll make sure to compile the poems so I can post 'em here.