On a Tuesday evening, after Harriet Klausner dumped her regular cargo-load of drivel, AKA reviews into Amazon's system; she hunkered down to a game of Scrabble with her morose hubby Stan, her celibate lover Mikey, and an Amazon monkey.
"Harriet, will you please pass me your rack," Mikey drawled.
Harriet jumped and straddled Mikey. She wrapped her hairy legs tightly around his torso. She pressed her sagging rack to his face. "I will whip out the relish so you can pour it all over these fine babies" she whispered. She gyrated against his flaccid banana.
"Oooh, baby," Harriet rasped, "Your mighty sword is over the top of the phallic statues in Penis Park!"
"Mikey meant the tile rack, Hattie, and not your melons." Stan corrected.
"Oh, very well," Harriet muttered. After straightening her crinkled, relish-stained clothes that have never once seen an iron or a washing machine, Harriet plopped back into her chair.
"If you bother to wash your stringy, greasy hair or wear deodorant, then our lower heads wouldn't have been given a Viagra prescription." Mikey said.
"I am so sex-starved, I get turned on just by looking at a piece of pie," Stanley moaned.
“I’ll be more than happy to beat your meat for ya,” Harriet the Harlot crooned. “Or better yet, you can dip your meat into my gravy. My warm gravy will keep your tender meat nice and warm.”
“Uhh, no thanks,” Stan stuttered.
"Well, you both gave up sex in exchange for the money that I make from my fake reviews, so will ya both put a sock in it," Harriet snapped.
"I really must edit my contract with these jerks because my cherry itches to be popped by a rock hard carrot," Harriet muttered under her breath. "I can't believe I'm a sixty years old virgin!"
After they have set up the board and arranged the tiles on the racks, Ammy's monkey decided to appoint Harriet as the scorekeeper.
"Her mathematical skills are excellent", the monkey said. "In eleven years, she read over 28,000 books!"
"Yes," Mikey agreed. "I really wish Harriet would credit me on her Amazon profile. After all, I'm the one who taught her that 3+3=12."
"Oh, quit your whining! I taught myself advanced math skills when I was three years old!" Harriet growled.
They began the game. Harriet got a triple word score for the word FRAUD. Mikey got a double word score for the words BLUE BALLS. Stan got a triple letter score for the words, WHY ME, and the monkey got a double letter score for the word TROLL.
After a while, Harriet yelled, "I won!"
"WTF! We've just started!" Stan replied.
Harriet pointedly ignored him.
"The arrangement of the tiles on the board forms the shape of a sword. A thick, beautiful sword..." Harriet let out a wistful sigh.
"And since I pointed it out, that makes me the winner!"
"You can't make up the rules," Mikey protested.
"Oh, yes, I can! I make up the rules as I please. For the passed eleven years, I've been cheating Amazon's system, with their blessings of course, and Scrambled is no different."