Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Anti-Literature Killer!

2013 – Georgia. A rash of murders rocked Atlanta City. A serial killer targeted readers. Readers had to resort to reading inside their closet out of fear of getting their eyes gouged by the unknown murderer! The media dubbed the murderer as the Anti-Literature Killer! The killer left a newly released hardback book at the crime scenes.  FBI’s Behavioral and Analysis Unit sent its top profiler in order to investigate the case. His name was Malleus. Upon his arrival, another murder took place inside a local bookstore. He hailed a cab and made a beeline for the crime scene. Malleus flashed his badge to the uniform manning the scene and donned his gloves. The stench of death enveloped him. “I hope we catch this SOB,” he thought grimly.
Who’s the victim?” Malleus asked the detective at the scene.
“The vic’s a tourist from Arizona. Her name was Embee,” Beachmama said. The body was found a couple of hours ago by the proprietors. Their names are Dona And Strong Cofee Lover. The poor women are in shock.”
Malleus nodded and walked over to L.Donner, the coroner, who was busy examining the body
“So what’s the cause of death?”  
“The cause of death appears to be a head trauma. Looks like our perpetrator whacked her over the head with this hardback book.”  
Who would do such a thing?” Beachmama cried.
A sick, twisted psycho,” Malleus replied grimly. The sickos are rampant. I’ve seen many unusual crimes during my years with the Bureau, but man, I’ve never seen anything quite like this!”
“So what about the eyes?”  Malleus asked L.Donner
 “it was post-mortem. Just like the other victims.”
Malleus glanced to his right. On the wall, were the words, “stop reding” scrawled in blood.  “Looks like our perp was never in a Spelling Bee competition.”
“Man, who doesn’t know how to spell reading? My cat is a better speller.” Beachmama said.
My guess is that our perp has a deep-seated inferiority complex about reading and comprehension. It looks like he – or she, received poor education.”
Beachmama’s cell phone chirped. She glanced at the LED screen and it was Alan James.
“There’s a witness who says that she’s escaped the perp’s clutches. Somehow she made it to a store. The clerk, whose name is Buck210 said that he was just closing up, when he saw a disheveled woman running up to him. She told him that she needed a phone to call the cops. Right after that, she lost consciousness. She’s at Charlton Memorial Hospital.”
“I’m on my way,” Beachmama replied.
At the hospital, Beachmama and Malleus ran to the ICU. They flashed their badges to the hospital staff. Malleus walked to the doctor, Guy the Gorilla, and asked, “Is she stable?”
“Yes, but she’s lost an awful amount of blood. Whoever’s done this to her had pumped her body with relish.”
“When can we speak to her?” Beachmama asked.
“You may speak to her now, but only for a few minutes.”
Malleus and Beachmama gently walked up to the foot of the bed, where Sneaky was resting.
“Hello, this is agent Beachmama and I’m agent Malleus. I know this is hard, but we would like to ask you a few questions, if you’re up for it.”
“Yes, it’s OK. I want you to catch this madwoman as soon as possible.”
“Did you say a woman?” Beachmama asked.
“Yes. She was absolutely crazy! She tied to me a chair and began ranting incoherently about relish, readers, still fans, tsuris, over the Mount of … I don’t recall exactly. I began to tune her out after that.”
“What about relish?”
“She kept feeding me relish. When I refused, she pumped that stuff in me!” Sneaky cried.
“What else do you remember?”
"I was in a dank basement. There were these elves that were busy at work. This madwoman was barking orders at them to finish plagiarizing the reviews from Publishers weekly. I heard snippets of “Amazon” and “reviews.” '
How did she kidnap you?” Malleus asked.
“I was at the park walking my three month old puppy. I sat on a bench and began checking out the books at Then all of a sudden, this woman with wild hair and red-rimmed eyes  appeared out of nowhere and began screaming at me to log out. She reeked of relish.”
“Then…” Beachmama prompted
“Then when I ignored her, she fished a book from her bag. It looked like the latest release by a well-known author. It was in hardback. And she whacked me over the head.” Sneaky gingerly touched the bruise atop her head. “Then I came to in the basement.”
Malleus’s eyebrows shot up. He glanced at Beachmama questioningly. He steered her away from Sneaky and said, “For a person who can’t spell and is clearly illiterate, she sure carries a lot of new releases.”
“That’s for sure,"Beachmama muttered.
They went back to Sneaky.
“How did you escape?”
This madwoman seemed to be very preoccupied with getting the reviews into Amazon’s system. So then I took the opportunity to climb out through the window.”
“Thank you for answering our questions, Sneaky. You have been helpful. If we have any further questions, we will be in touch.” Malleus said.
As soon as they were out of earshot, Beachmama grabbed Malleus by the shoulders.
“I think I know who the manwoman is!” Beachmama said excitedly
There’s only one woman who fits that description and it’s Harriet Klausner. The so-called #1 Hall of Fame Reviewer. I’ve always known she was a fraud, but a killer! Wow.”  Beachmama let out a low whistle.
“OK. From my experience with women is that they’re highly intuitive, so I’ll go with your theory. Let’s call for backup.”
In the days that followed Harriet Klausner’s arrest, the media outlets all across the USA spiraled into a frenzy. The press ran the headline; “The Anti-Literature Killer is Amazon’s #1 Hall of Fame reviewer!”  Meanwhile, Amazon refused to comment on Harriet Klausner and her 28,000+ fake reviews. Amazon’s reticence fueled the speculation among the fine citizens of Georgia, and the entire United States of America. Sneaky Burrito was recovering from her ordeal and can even read a book without suffering a panic attack. In an interview she said, “I am glad this whole nightmare is behind us and readers can enjoy reading without looking behind their shoulders.”
The End.


Chick Pilot said...

Well done Sara! Keep 'em coming.

Malleus said...

Cool! I make an appearance in literature! Thanks so much. :-))) (Btw., I enjoy your little verses there under Harriet's reviews very much.)